MINNEAPOLIS--Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad, still smarting from the departure of beloved outfielder Torii Hunter via free agency, nonetheless believes that free agency is a “passing fad” that will play itself out eventually.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about this free agency thing,” Pohlad said today. “It’s just a passing fad. The whole thing is going to go the way of the pet rock and the hula hoop before you know it. In the meantime, don’t expect me to be partaking in all this tomfoolery. You can have your ‘free agents.’ I’ll save my money and ride this thing out.”

Pohlad watched in horror and bemusement as Hunter, the face of the franchise, departed to the Anaheim Angels for a staggering 5-years and $90 million.

“Ninety-million American dollars to play baseball,” Pohlad said. “Times sure have changed, haven’t they? It used to be that once you had a player under contract, he was yours for life. Now they just go to the highest bidder. It won’t last though. Just like interleague play, it’ll get old real quick and be tossed out the window. What, we still have interleague play? Wow, I had no idea. I’ve got to start watching some games.”

The Twins’ Johan Santana, one of the top pitchers in the majors, is scheduled to become a free agent in 2009. Justin Morneau, the 2006 MVP, will hit the market at the end of this year. Neither player is likely to remain in Minnesota unless Pohlad breaks the bank on them, which is highly unlikely.

“Johan and Justin are two wonderful players,” said Pohlad. “Mauer is, too. I even like Carlos Silva. Unfortunately they’re all going to command millions on the ‘free agent market’ and we have no intention of getting into a bidding war. If any of them want to come to my office, sit down and talk about a lifetime contract at, say, forty or fifty thousand per year, I’m all ears.”

Santana, who is entering his final year with the Twins, is likely to be traded in the next few weeks. While he has a no-trade clause, he has indicated he will waive it to play for a winning team.

“It seems as if my time with the Twins may be coming to an end,” Santana said. “So far, all they have done is offer me 4 years at $80 million, which tells me they are more interested in making jokes than trying to negotiate a deal. That’s fine. I have other options. I will wave my no trade clause and go play for a contender that’s willing to pay me $140 million, or failing that, anybody that’s willing to pay me $140 million.”

As for Hunter, he’s thrilled with his new team, the Anaheim Angels, though he did admit to being disappointed that the Twins didn’t make him a better offer.

“It’s a dream for me to play here in California, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in the Twins,” said Hunter. “They didn’t come close to matching Anaheim’s offer. I thought they would at least put up a fight to try and keep me. The problem is Carl. He still can’t wrap his mind around this whole free agency thing. To be honest, I can’t either. How in the hell am I worth $90 million again?”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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