Lions Shift Focus To Covering Point Spreads

DETROIT--Following a 31-24 loss to the Green Bay Packers on Sunday that dropped them to 0-3 on the season, the Detroit Lions have decided to shift their focus from winning games to covering point spreads. The new, tempered expectations reflect the coaching staff’s desire to set more realistic goals for the team.

“We’ve been focusing an awful lot on winning ball games early in the season, and so far, the results just haven’t been there,” said head coach Rod Marinelli. “It might be time to set some more modest goals. One thing I think we can manage is to cover a point spread. We should be getting pretty generous lines from here on in, so I just want our guys to play good, mistake free football, match the opponent’s intensity, and try not to lose by a humongous amount of points.”

The Lions failed to cover the spread against the Packers on Sunday, losing by 7 points even though they were favored by 6.5. That shouldn’t be a problem anymore, Marinelli says, as they probably won’t be favorites again for the rest of the season.

“It was obviously a gross oversight for somebody to make us 6.5 point favorites Sunday, even against the Packers,” said Marinelli. “That probably won’t happen again. Next week we’re getting 6 against St. Louis. That’s a nice cushion. We can just go out there, get down by 3 early, and sit on that deficit for the rest of the game.”

The new attitude is a far cry from the swagger and optimism the team displayed early in the season, but to the Lions, it doesn’t represent an admission of defeat. As quarterback Jon Kitna pointed out, the team may still win some games by accident.

“Just because we’re focusing on covering the spread doesn’t mean we won’t pick up a win or two on the way,” said Kitna. “We might just face a really inept team like the Texans and have them hand the game to us on a silver platter. It’s not out of the realm of possibility. See, some people see the glass as half empty, while some see it as half full. Unfortunately right now our glass is completely empty, so both sides would be wrong.”

Just two weeks ago, receiver Roy Williams guaranteed a victory over the Chicago Bears, only to see his team lose 34-7. He also guaranteed the offense would score 40 points, and they scored 7. Now, Williams have a different guarantee.

“We will cover the point spread next week. You can write that down,” he said defiantly. “Call it a guarantee, call it whatever you want. It’s going to happen. We’re not so shitty that we can’t cover a spread. Come on! Let’s do this! Let’s lose by less than 6 points! We must protect this house! Or at least keep an eye on it.”

The Lions spread-covering strategy may force their opponents to alter their own game plans, starting with the St Louis Rams, who plan to build a big lead against the Lions early and spend the rest of the game conserving it.

“I think the best game plan for us at this point would be to build a 6 point lead and then go conservative,” said Rams head coach Scott Linehan. “The Lions won’t offer much resistance. If we get a 10 point lead or a 20 point lead, however, expect a dogfight. These guys have that ‘refuse not to cover’ mentality going for them. I credit Matt Millen for laying the foundation for that mentality. Why the hell hasn’t ownership given him a lucrative contract extension for that? Oh, they did? My God, I was being sarcastic.”

If the Lions fail to cover the point spread, Marinelli and co. may have to lower their expectations even more.

“Obviously there’s a chance we could end up failing to meet even this modest goal,” he said. “If so we’ll have to adjust our expectations accordingly. Maybe we could just focus on showing up to the games on time or always wearing our helmets. Failing that we can just dedicate ourselves to community service or something. That actually might be a good way to light a fire under the guys, because if there’s anything more depressing than losing football games, it’s doing stuff for the community.”

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