ROCHESTER, NY--Like many Americans, Michael Witt is steeped in debt. The 33-year-old help desk technician owes thousands of dollars in student loans and credit card payments and barely earns enough to cover the interest each month. That’s why he’s formulated a plan to earn some extra cash by entering the lucrative world of online poker.

“Online poker is a billion dollar industry,” said Witt, a Rochester resident. “And it’s about time I started tapping into it. All you have to do is enter your credit card number and start playing. You don’t even have to leave your house. I figure if I do it for two or three months I can make at least a few thousand dollars, if not more. It’s foolproof. If you don’t believe me, check out the next Bodog.com commercial you see on TV. If that doesn’t convince you, nothing will.”

Witt has heard the horror stories of people emptying their bank accounts and maxing out their credit cards on gambling web sites, but says those victims have nobody to blame but themselves.

“I’m sure there are people out there that just haphazardly sign on and start throwing their money away,” said Witt. “But those people are idiots. It’s all about strategy. My strategy is to win a minimum of $500 per month by playing Texas Hold ‘Em. I’ve already read a big book about it, and some sites actually provide their own online tutorials. It’s like they want you to win! Well, who am I to decline that invitation? If someone wants to give me free money, I’m going to take it.”

After reading an online tutorial on Bodog.com, Witt feels he is fully prepared to take on even the most experienced card players.

“Well, thanks to the tutorial, I can now identify several different types of players,” he said. “See, poker is all about getting to know your opponents and observing their betting habits. Some guys are aggressive, some are passive, and some are big-time bluffers. You have to watch out for those bluffers. They will chew you up and spit you out. Gosh, playing poker is so exciting. I feel like a real card shark already. The only thing I’m missing are the hot chicks on either side of me, a decent suit, several thousand dollars in cash, and a money clip. On the other hand, I do have a drinking problem, so I’m not a total amateur.”

Aside from Texas Hold ‘Em, Witt also plans to play online slot machines.

“Get this: You can actually play the slots, just like at a real casino, simply by sitting at your computer and pressing a button!” he said. “You just put your credit card number in, click on the little lever, and it will continue going over and over again until you tell it to stop. I can go to work and have it play for me! Of course, there’s no way I’m going to go over the limit on my credit card or anything. I’m sure they have safeguards against that. These websites don’t want to plunge you into financial ruin. They want you to have fun. Again, watch the commercials if you don’t believe me.”

As soon as he earns enough cash to pay off his debts, Witt plans to turn off the computer and quit online gambling forever. He says his self control is what separates him from the average gambler.

“It’s all about controlling yourself, people,” he said. “Once you win enough money, take it and run. If you start out losing, just be persistent. The law of averages dictates that eventually you will turn it around and start winning. If you go broke first…well, hey, that’s what you get for not reading the tutorial.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.