AUSTIN, TX--A new study published by Scientific American reveals that running out pop-ups– long considered a hallmark of fundamentally sound, textbook baseball – is actually a colossal waste of time. The study revealed that energy expended from needlessly running out sure outs can subtract up to a full season from the average major league career.

“Our analysis shows that running out pop-ups – while endearing to fans and media – is actually big waste of time,” said Dr. James Archer of the University of Texas, who spearheaded the study. “Only one half of one percent of all pop flies are actually dropped, and still some nerds insist on legging it out. Yea, keep running, Poindexter! He’ll be dropping that pop-up real soon.”

Archer’s study also looked at the behavior of players from previous generations and found that, shockingly, a higher percentage of today’s players run out pop-ups than in decades past.

“Most people think that in the olden times everybody hustled on every play,” said Archer. “Nothing could be further from the truth. After pouring over hours of archival footage, I can say with all confidence that sluggers like Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and Reggie Jackson almost never ran out pop-ups. Hell, if Mantle hit a pop-up he would saunter back to the dugout, light up a cigarette and start thumbing through his Playboy before the ball even hit the mitt.”

Despite Archer’s conclusions, most baseball players and managers are sticking to their belief that running out ground balls and pop-ups is the mark of a “throwback” player who “does all the little things” and “plays the game the right way.”

“Running out pop-ups is one of the most important things that a player can do,” said Reds manager Dusty Baker. “Sure, it doesn’t show up on the stat sheet, but that’s only because it doesn’t result in any runs or hits or, you know, anything at all. But man, that one time the infielder drops the ball, you’ll be standing at first base with a single and then it will be all worthwhile. I mean not really, but whatever. The season’s over. I shouldn’t have to be thinking so much.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.