OAKLAND--For the second week in a row, Raiders receiver Jerry Porter was placed on the inactive list by head coach Art Shell, where he was forced to watch from the sidelines as his team was crushed by the Baltimore Ravens, 28-6. Afterwards, his teammates admitted they were jealous of Porter because they wanted to sit out, too.

“It’s not fair. Why does he get to sit on the sidelines while we have to go out there and play?” said receiver Alvin Whitted, who had 3 catches for 45 yards. “He shoots his mouth off and makes a big stink and insults the head coach, and then he gets rewarded with two consecutive weeks off? Yea, that’s fair. I guess if you act like a good person and a team player the only reward you get is to catch balls from some guy named Andrew Walter.”

Even Walter, the Raiders backup quarterback who stepped in when Aaron Brooks got injured, found himself envying Porter as he relaxed on the sidelines.

“Right around the start of the fourth quarter I remember looking over and seeing Jerry standing there all content, and thinking ‘that should be me,’” said Walter. “Look at me. I barely know what the hell I’m doing. I’m, like, an emergency quarterback at best. What did I do to deserve a starting job? Oh, I know: I was behind Aaron Brooks on the depth chart. That pretty much guarantees you a staring job eventually.”

After eight quarters, the Raiders still haven’t scored a touchdown. The combination of Brooks, Walter, a shoddy offensive line, and a lack of weapons at the wide receiver position has made them the worst offense in football.

Shell is doing his best to help morale, but he knows that most of his players would prefer not to be on the field.

“I understand that a lot of the guys are depressed and probably wish they could be placed on the inactive list, too,” said Shell, “but that’s normal when you’re playing like this. Believe me, I know how they feel. I’m not exactly enjoying myself up here either. Personally I’d be happy if they fired me and let [offensive coordinator] Tom Walsh take over. But he’d need to learn the offense first.”

Shell’s main weapon at receiver, Randy Moss, has been a nonfactor this season. He, too, has publicly questioned the direction of the team and has often appeared disinterested on the field. However, he blames his lack of success on game planning, not effort.

“Our offensive game plan is horrible,” said Moss, who had just 2 catches for 32 yards on Sunday. “This 7-step drop bullshit was out of fashion in 1991. I’m running routes out there for nothing. I get to my spot, I look back, and all I see is a pile of defenders where my quarterback should be. Okay that is a little funny. It’s even funnier that everyone said I would be a perfect fit for Oakland’s ‘aerial attack’ when I got here. Oh my God my sides hurt when I think of that one.”

As for Porter, he’s not complaining about being benched. He’s simply waiting patiently to be traded, a scenario that could come to pass sometime in the next couple weeks.

“I know my days here are numbered, and I’m glad,” he said yesterday. “I don’t want to be here, and I don’t give a shit who knows it. The coaching staff here doesn’t know what they’re doing. They don’t know how to utilize somebody with my talent, and even if they did, we don’t have the personnel to pull it off. Of course I’m laughing on the sidelines. This team is a joke. Also, I'm the biggest asshole in the NFL.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.