Presence Of TV Camera Turns Otherwise Normal Fan Into Raving Lunatic

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--Ron Mueller considers himself a perfectly normal guy. The 32-year-old Medina, Minnesota resident has a steady girlfriend, a college degree, and a well paying job as an accountant. However, the presence of a television camera at last week’s Twins game turned this otherwise normal fan into a raving, babbling lunatic.

“WOOOOOHOOOOOOO! TWINS RULE! TWINS ARE NUMBER ONE!” screamed Mueller as the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball camera focused on his section of the bleachers. “WOO HOOOO! WOO HOOOO! YEAAAAA, BABY! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE, MOTHERFUCKER!”

Though not particularly muscular, Mueller ripped his shirt off and flexed for the camera, shaking his fists madly and spilling beer all over his girlfriend.

“LET’S GO! LET’S GO! BRING IT ON, BITCHES!” he screamed, sticking his face as close to the camera as possible. “WE’VE GOT SANTANA ON THE HILL! CY YOUNG, BITCHES! CY YOUNG!”

Mueller, who almost never curses and rarely takes his shirt off in public, was at a loss to explain his behavior afterwards.

“My God, I look like a fool,” he said, as he watched a tape of the game afterwards. “I can’t believe that’s really me. I’m like some out-of-control Neanderthal freak. Jesus, I’m fat, too.”

Mueller recalled the moment when the television camera found him and he was overcome with an uncontrollable urge to scream something.

“I just wanted to yell something, anything,” said Mueller. “I didn’t care what. I could’ve been yelling out the ingredients on the back of a cereal box. Something just clicked in my head that said ‘Volume. More volume.’ Plus there were a bunch of other guys elbowing me out of the way trying to get on camera. We were like a pack of wild dogs. I’m so ashamed. It could’ve been worse, though. I was about to pull my pants down before the camera turned away.”

Alcohol consumption was a major factor in his behavior, Mueller recalled. Even though the incident occurred before the game even started, he was already on his 8th beer. His inebriation gave him a feeling of “invincibility.”

“You know, when I yelled ‘Number one’ I really meant it,” he said. “I just felt so…so empowered. I think it was a combination of the booze and the cameras. I really wanted the American viewing public to know that we had Johan Santana and that he is, in fact, number one and that they’re all a bunch of bitches. I was part right. Santana is number one, but I don’t think every viewer is a bitch--except for my ex-girlfriend, Tara. If you’re reading this Tara, you’re a bitch.”

Mueller’s current girlfriend, Kira Hesketh, sat next to him at the game. Afterward, she confessed to questioning her relationship with him. The two have been together for 8 months and this was a side of Ron that she had never seen.

“That was scary. I don’t know what came over him,” said Hesketh, 30. “One minute we’re sitting there watching the pitchers in the bullpen, casually chatting, and the next minute he’s Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage. Seriously, he was screaming and pointing like one of those professional wrestlers. I thought he was going to punch me. Then when the camera left, he became his old self again, sort of like when the Hulk settles down and returns to being David Banner—only the Hulk looks better with his shirt off.”

Psychologist Kenneth Davenport, author of the book Sports and Human Behavior, says that the opportunity to be seen on television often triggers aggressive and sometimes even boorish behavior. Mueller is a classic case of such behavior.

“What we’re seeing here is a man reduced to his basest form,” said Davenport as he observed videotape of the incident. “He’s an ape, really. In these types of incidents the shirt almost always comes off in a classic display of caveman-like aggression. He is yelling ‘We’re number one’ but what he is really saying, subconsciously, is ‘I am more man than you. Look at my chest.’ If he had a handful of feces he would inevitably throw it at the camera, as would any self-respecting monkey. This type of behavior is not limited to sports fans. Unfortunately, we are all capable, under extreme circumstances, of reverting back to caveman form—even me. When I read Sigmund Freud, for example, and I’ve had a few glasses of port, I feel the same way. That's because Freud is number one, bitches.”