ST LOUIS--Albert Pujols has hit 19 home runs in only 37 games this season, surpassing the major league record by 3 games. He also has a staggering 48 runs batted in. Clearly the juiced-up Pujols missed the memo that steroids are now illegal.

“Hello? Steroids were outlawed last year, Al. Get with the program,” said teammate Jim Edmonds. “I can’t believe the nerve this guy has. I mean, did he really miss the memo? Has he not been paying attention the past couple years? What an asshole. Actually, don't tell him I said that. He'll probably fly into a rage and try to rip my head off. You know how those people get. ”

Pujols is on pace to hit 82 home runs, twice as many as he hit last year, and 9 more than the record set by Barry Bonds in 2001. If he continues to juice up, he could someday break the career home run record.

“What we’re seeing is the devaluing of our sacred hitting records,” said HBO’s Bob Costas. “Guys like Pujols know they can flout the rules with impunity because nobody is going to challenge them. Major League Baseball is just going to look the other way. And don’t think Tony LaRussa is going to do anything. This guy presided over the careers of Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. He practically invented steroids.”

Pujols’ peers are watching his feats with a mixture of jealousy and awe. Many of them are wondering how he is circumventing the new testing policy and why the league isn’t stepping in to do something about it.

“It’s pretty alarming that he’s able to do this while baseball is investigating Barry Bonds for the same thing,” said Astros slugger Lance Berkman. “Albert is supposed to be a role model in St Louis, not some kind of drug cheater. I think we should all tell him that if he agrees to stop doing steroids right this second we’ll forget all this happened. And if he doesn’t admit to it he should be suspended indefinitely. Either way, I’m winning the home run title this year.”

Don’t expect Pujols to come clean about his steroid use anytime soon. The 26-year-old has vehemently denied any wrongdoing and plans to continue hitting home runs at his record pace. He also wants to remind critics that he has already passed a steroid test this season.

“I’ve been tested. I’m subject to the same stringent guidelines as anyone else,” Pujols said to reporters after hitting his 19th home run Sunday. “Furthermore, I’m one of the best hitters in the game. I don’t need steroids to give me an edge. If I was on them, don’t you think it would show up in the tests? Okay, good point, human growth hormone doesn’t show up on those tests. Damn. Maybe I am on steroids.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence, baseball has no intention of investigating Pujols for steroid use. Instead, it will look the other way and hope that he doesn’t break the single season home run record.

“Right now there isn’t sufficient reason to investigate Albert for steroids use,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “He’s just hitting a lot of home runs. I’m sorry. If he breaks the home run record then so be it. I’d rather see a juiced-up Albert Pujols have the record than a juiced up Barry Bonds anyway. At least a few people like Albert Pujols.”

Pujos may be under a cloud suspicion in the baseball word, but in St Louis the fans are still supporting him.

“I don’t care if Albert is on steroids. I still support him,” said 62-year-old season ticket holder Carol Hicks. “So he decided to experiment with performance enhancing drugs. So what? A lot of players have. I just hope that he has the good sense to use a masking agent if necessary. One thing we’ve learned from the steroid era is that if you’ve never tested positive, you can just deny everything. And if you have tested positive, you can deny everything anyway.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.