JACKSONVILLE, FL--This Saturday, the Florida Gators and Georgia Bulldogs will meet in Jacksonville for their annual grudge match, otherwise known as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Thousands of college football fans will descend on the city for the event, which means area hospitals are preparing for a deluge of inebriated students in need of stomach-pumpings.

Last year, a record 7,244 college students had their stomach pumped at Jacksonville's Memorial Hospital, in what has become a rite of passage for the out-of-control nutcases.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Dr. Jeanne Olson, a physician at the hospital. “Young kids, poisoned by gallons of alcohol, will be dragged into the hospital by their friends, slapped onto a bed, pumped clean, and sent home with a hilarious story to tell. It’s like a rite of passage! Every college student needs a good stomach-pumping story. I never had mine pumped in college and I've regretted ever since.”

Ironically, most of the pumpees will not even attend the game, says Olson.

“Most kids just come here to drink,” she said. “They hang out in the parking lot, they hang out by the river, they’ll have the game on a TV or radio or whatever, but mostly they just consume as much alcohol as humanly possible. And why the hell not? It’s the World Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Cut loose! My only advice: if you do end up in the hospital, don’t have your friends call your parents unless you slip into a coma or die. Otherwise they’ll get all worried for nothing.”

According to Olson, so many students have their stomachs pumped during the Florida-Georgia game they’ve developed a number system to help deal with the crushing crowds of drunks. First, a friend of the pumpee drops their limp body on the floor, then an orderly comes by and sticks a number on the forehead.

“It’s not a perfect system but it works,” said Olson. “There’s absolutely no way we can handle all these people in a conventional way. One year, we had so many people, we just had a custodian walk around the waiting room pumping the stomachs right into a bucket. Only it was so gross, even he started puking! It was so funny, except for the cleanup.”

This year, city officials are attempting to restrict the sale of alcohol around the stadium. Though there will be copious amounts available even with the restrictions, many attendees are already complaining about being handcuffed.

“What the hell? How can they limit the amount of alcohol at this party?” asked 21-year-old Florida student Kristin Keller. “That’s, like, un-American. I personally plan on doing keg stands, drinking jello shots, vomiting Bud Lime all over my tits, and making out with whatever sweaty, red-faced frat boy is standing closest to me. Try and stop me, Nazis!”

Authorities are also warning students not to drink and drive. Instead, they should crash on the sidewalk for 12 hours or so then retrieve their car from the tow lot and drive home.

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.