New Rule To Protect Quarterbacks Prohibits Them From Taking Field

NEW YORK--In a further effort to protect quarterbacks from violent hits, the NFL has adopted a new rule prohibiting them from taking the field. The rule, which will be put into effect in week 3, is expected to dramatically decrease the number of injuries to starting quarterbacks, and also significantly alter game planning.

“This is a rule that we needed in order to protect our marquee players from season-ending injuries,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “Guys like Carson Palmer, Steve McNair, and Daunte Culpepper are the faces of the league. We can’t have them battered around like tackling dummies. We can’t allow defenders to hit them high or low or in the middle or late or on-time or at all. They’re dainty, like little Russian nesting dolls, and we need to protect them from those scary, HGH-addled defenders.”

Goodell went on to describe the gridiron as a “scary, violent place that’s fraught with peril.”

“It’s just too dangerous out there,” he said. “Have you seen what goes on? Everybody’s running into each other at high speeds. Sticking a franchise QB out there is just asking for trouble. Personally I don’t even think they should be allowed to stand on the sidelines. You never know when somebody’s going to get shoved out of bounds and upend them. Oh, God I don’t even want to think about it. Can we just change the subject, please?”

The new rule change will force coaches to come up with game plans that don’t involve quarterbacks in any way. Generic running plays, as well as gadget plays like the double reverse and the halfback option, should become more common. In each case, a running back or wide receiver would take the snap from center.

“We are reformulating our offensive strategy right now to accommodate this new safety rule,” said Titans coach Jeff Fisher, a member of the NFL competition committee that helped adopt the new rule. “It’s going to be a huge adjustment for everybody. I do think it’s the right thing to do, though. We just drafted a quarterback ourselves and paid him a great deal of money. Having him suffer a debilitating injury would be a catastrophe. This also keeps Kerry Collins off the field, which is one of the reasons it garnered so much support from everybody in our organization, including Kerry Collins.”

On the defensive side, coordinators will be forced to make their own adjustments to deal with the quarterback’s new role on offense. The preferred strategy seems to be placing the entire defense at the line of scrimmage.

“Obviously being able to stop the run is a big priority now,” said Falcons defensive coordinator Ed Donatell. “It should definitely make for quicker, lower scoring games. It should also cut down on the number of roughing the passer penalties, as there won’t be any quarterbacks for defenders to brush up against.”

So how do quarterbacks themselves feel about this new rule? For the most part, they appear to be annoyed by the fact that they are no longer allowed to step foot on the field.

Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who spent the offseason rehabbing from a leg injury resulting from a vicious hit in last year’s playoffs, thinks the new rule goes too far.

“It’s nice that they want to protect us, but there’s a limit to how far they should go to do that,” said Palmer. “They should just allow us to play but forbid anyone from coming within 10 yards of us. That way we could stay on the field and let the fans bask in our awesomeness but avoid having anybody touch our fragile little bodies. Believe me, the last thing the fans want to see in a football game is people getting tackled.”

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