Poll: Nobody Gives a Shit Who Brady Quinn’s Sister Is Dating

TEMPE, AZ--According to a poll conducted by CNNSI.com, nobody in America gives a shit who Brady Quinn’s sister is dating. The poll was conducted hours after the Fiesta Bowl between Ohio State and Notre Dame. During the game, viewers were subjected to countless stories, anecdotes, and interviews regarding the relationship between Quinn’s sister Laura and Ohio State linebacker AJ Hawk, none of which were interesting or useful.

The first such mention came during the pre-game show, when ABC interviewed Hawk, his parents, and Brady Quinn about the relationship. Quinn’s sister Laura was also interviewed before the game. During the game, ABC provided multiple shots of Laura Quinn in the stands accompanied by reminders from Brent Musberger that she does, in fact, date AJ Hawk of the Buckeyes.

Viewers around the nation were disgusted with the coverage.

“Oh my God. What were they thinking?” asked Phoenix resident Josh Bain, 32. “Every five minutes they cut to that broad in the stands, as if we really gave a shit. They interviewed every member of both families to talk about how they deal with the relationship. WHO CARES? Tell me Laura Quinn is dating AJ Hawk’s sister, then you’ll have my attention. Otherwise, let me watch the game in peace.”

Bain’s feelings were consistent with every other person who watched the game.

“OK so that bitch is dating the big dumb guy from Ohio State. I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Ted Clayton of Philadelphia. “It’s certainly not a point that needs to be hammered home every five minutes. By the end of that broadcast I wanted to take that girl, her boyfriend, Brady Quinn, and Brent Musberger and throw them all off the roof of Sun Devil Stadium.”

According to ABC execs, the network taped 70 hours of interviews with various members of the Quinn family, the Hawk family, as well as players on both teams. The producer of the telecast, Dawn Robinson, thought the audience would get “a real kick” out of the banal, inconsequential story.

“When I first heard that Brady Quinn’s sister was dating someone from the other team, I was like ‘What?’” said Robinson. “I mean, how can the sister of one player date someone from an opposing team? Am I crazy for finding this fascinating? Anyway, I knew the audience would want to see Laura’s reaction to every play and hear testimony from everybody that knows her. She is so amazing. The whole story is so mind-blowing. I can’t even believe I dug it up. When it’s time to hand out the Emmy’s, I hope they remember me, and the captivating story of two people nobody ever heard of dating each other.”

“And don’t worry,” she added. “We’re not going to leave people hanging. We have the Super Bowl this year, and we’re planning to follow up on the story then. So hold your horses, people, and stop sending all that hate mail!”

The viewers aren’t the only ones irritated with the coverage of Quinn and Hawk’s relationship. Brady Quinn himself expressed frustration at the number of questions he was asked about the situation during the post game press conference.

Said Quinn: “I really don’t want to answer any more questions about my sister and her stupid relationship, OK? We lost the game. I’m disappointed. I don’t care about anything else right now. Excuse me? No, it’s not a problem that she’s dating him. No, it’s fine. She roots for both of us. Yea, our parents are fine with it. It’s really not that big of a deal. I don’t understand the fascination with it. So my sister’s a shameless, backstabbing, disloyal bitch. So what? That doesn’t make her interesting.”