MIAMI--In a desperate attempt to win over his new boss, Bill Parcells, Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron resigned from the team yesterday. He said he hoped the decision would earn him the respect of Parcells, who doesn’t think Cameron is a very good coach.

“Hopefully this will make Bill happy,” said Cameron. “He clearly doesn’t think I’m a very good coach and I think quitting will make a good impression on him. How that will result in me being the head coach here next year I have no idea. But it certainly can’t hurt to win over your boss.”

Parcells’ first move as team president was to fire GM Randy Mueller, and many assumed that Cameron would be next. But as of Tuesday he was still in the mix, according to team sources. That’s why Cameron decided to take the proactive approach.

“I knew I had to do something to tip the scales in my favor,” said Cameron. “Apparently they have some other candidates they’re interested in but they’d be willing to stick with me as a last resort. That’s kind of flattering actually. All those assistants out there and they still have a place in their hearts for little old me. Well, if I am allowed to return next year, I vow that this team will improve beyond its one win season of 2007. That was an aberration anyway. I feel we are definitely a 2 or 3-win team.”

Tuesday evening, Cameron called his players too tell them about his resignation. Many of them were surprised, as he had assured them earlier in the week that he would return as head coach next year.

“Wow, that was a shocker,” said defensive end Jason Taylor. “I had no idea coach Cameron was quitting. Apparently he thinks that it will somehow win over Bill Parcells. Actually, that's not such a bad idea. I certainly have a newfound respect for the guy. That was the best personnel move he made all year.”

Taylor was quick to point out, however, that Cameron wasn’t the only one to blame for the team’s dismal season.

“As much as he probably deserves to be fired, you can’t say it was all his fault,” said Taylor. “I mean the guy came into a pretty bad situation. The real problem lies in the front office. Those guys just don’t know how to evaluate talent. The only thing they’ve done right is hang on to me. And I’m praying they fuck that up this year.”

While there is still no word on the fate of Cam Cameron, sources inside the Dolphins organization say that Parcells won’t bring him back. Surprisingly, there is word that he planned to bring him back until Cameron’s abrupt resignation.

“Bill was definitely considering bringing Cam back, but now that’s not going to happen,” said the source. “He's totally focused on finding an outside candidate. It’s funny because he was willing to bring the guy back, but the fact that he quit made him lose all respect for the guy. If there’s one thing that Bill hates, it’s a quitter. That’s why Bobby Petrino isn’t getting this job, no matter how many times he calls and asks.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.