NEW YORK--Yankee Manager Joe Torre insisted today that Randy Johnson’s rapid, steady decline is “not a cause for alarm.” The 42-year-old lefty has a 5.02 ERA this season and has lost considerable speed off his fastball, but the Yankees aren’t giving up on him yet.

“We’re just not going to think about that,” said Torre. “Randy doesn’t have to go out there and dominate every single game. He’s only human. Even a pitcher like him can have a few bad starts in a row. That’s all it is. It’s a slump. He’s going to be fine. Come August, he’ll be throwing 99 mph again. I’m sure of it. I honestly think he’s getting better with age, even though he’s not.”

What Johnson lacks in velocity, he makes up for in experience, Torre explained.

“At his age, he’s definitely a smarter pitcher than he was, say, ten years ago. He can locate better, he knows hitters’ tendencies better, and he can make adjustments on the fly much better than he used to. I’m sure the game is a lot easier for him now because of all that experience. Like his fastball, the game has really slowed down for him.”

Torre then gave an example of Johnson’s veteran savvy.

“The other day one of the Toronto batters got a base hit on Randy’s slider. It was up in the strike zone,” Torre said. “So when the batter got up again, Johnson threw the slider down and away – or tried to anyway. Unfortunately his command was off and he left it up in the zone again. So what did Randy do? He didn’t throw him that slider again. He made the adjustment. The old Randy never would have done something like that, mostly because people couldn’t hit his slider.”

When Johnson came to the Yankees in 2004 he was coming off a year in which he had an ERA of 2.60 with the Arizona Diamondbacks. But like many former NL pitchers, Johnson got a rude awakening when he came to the American League.

“The hitters in the AL are much better than in the National League,” said Johnson, who has a 5-2 record despite his abysmal ERA. “I guess I had to learn that the hard way. On top of that I’m getting older. Every single season I age by one year. It doesn’t seem to be stopping. In fact, I’m pretty sure that next year at this time I’ll be 43, then 44, and so on. I wonder if there’s some correlation between my age and my decline in productivity. Huh. That certainly is worth looking into, or would have been, before they signed me to a 2-year extension.”

It was always Johnson’s dream to play for the Yankees and he publicly expressed his interest in the job while he was still with Arizona. Johnson and many others believed a trade to the Yankees would equal an automatic World Series.

“I wanted to spend the last few years of my career in New York and just casually pick up a couple more championship rings,” Johnson said. “Now I wish I just went the Roger Clemens route and stayed in the National League to pump up my stats and make a few extra million. Now they tell me Clemens might be coming here. That’s a great idea. They should pay him whatever he wants. What could possibly go wrong?”

Despite Johnson’s lack of confidence, the Yankees are pinning their hopes on him to carry them to another World Series. Pitching coach Ron Guidry, who has worked closely with Johnson to help him break out of his slump, said he still believes in his ace regardless of what the numbers show.

“Randy’s complete and total collapse is really nothing to be concerned about,” Guidry said. “Oh sure, the media and the fans will worry about it, but my job is to keep a level head and not push the panic button. Every pitcher goes through this kind of thing, where he loses his stuff and is not as dominating as he once was. It’s a tough thing to see. He’ll snap out of it though, as soon as he stops aging.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.