OAKLAND--The Oakland Athletics have one of the loosest clubhouses in all of baseball, and that was never more evident than during the ALCS, when the close-knit gang of misfits lost four straight to the Detroit Tigers in their trademark raucous, fun-loving fashion.

From Game 1 to Game 4, the A’s partied hard and lost convincingly.

“You know, this is just the loosest clubhouse I’ve ever been in,” said catcher Jason Kendall. “Even after we lost the first game, we were hanging out in the clubhouse drinking beer and listening to Nickelback. The next day, we went out there with our crazy hair and tattoos, ready to do battle, and lost again. Then we lost two more. It doesn’t matter, though. The Tigers may be going to the World Series, but I bet they’re a little bit jealous of our looseness.”

The A’s are also known for their rough-around-the-edges appearance, defined by Bobby Kielty’s wild red afro and Nick Swisher’s flowing mane of black hair and perpetually goofy grin. Then there’s pitcher Barry Zito, a certified space shot, who spends his time playing acoustic guitar, pondering the meaning of life, and calculating his fair market value in order to maximize his earnings when he becomes a free agent this offseason.

“I just love playing on this team,” said Zito, who took the loss in Game 1. “My years here have been a blast. Everybody in this clubhouse just likes to have fun. Sure, we’re a little rough and unkempt, but we all have hearts of gold. Whichever team I sign with next isn’t going to be nearly as fun as this one, but I know I’ll be so fabulously wealthy that I won’t give a shit. I’ll play with a bunch of walking corpses for that kind of money. I’ll play with New York Yankees for that kind of money.”

During their Game 2 loss, A’s players played practical jokes on each other in the dugout. They even played one on manager Ken Macha, who thanked his boys for the bit of comic relief.

“I remember during that second game while Estaban [Loiaiza] was getting shelled, I was sitting on the bench having a minor heart attack, and this crazy bastard Nick Swisher came up to me and slammed a pie in my face,” said Macha. “I was like ‘Oh, you little scamp!’ The whole bench was in stitches. I enjoyed a good belly laugh, even though the season was flashing before my eyes. Then I went out to change pitchers, and when I came back there was a whoopee cushion on my seat. So I went up to Swisher and punched him in the face. I mean, really. Enough is enough.”

Even after losing Game 3 and putting themselves on the brink of elimination, the A’s never wavered. Seemingly oblivious to their dire situation and the intense amount of pressure, the boys jumped out to a 2-0 lead, silencing the Detroit crowd. Sadly, that lead would dissipate, and the series would end with a walk-off home run by the Tigers’ Magglio Ordonez.

As the Tigers celebrated on the field, the A’s had a celebration of their own in the clubhouse.

“We opened up some champagne and just went nuts,” said third baseman Eric Chavez. “We weren’t really celebrating a victory, we were just celebrating ourselves. We are so cool. Even when we lose, we don’t do it in a wishy-washy fashion. We go to the extreme. We get swept. We die the death of dogs! Yea, baby! Rock and Roll!”

A’s general manager Billy Beane, who assembled his group of dirt-eating scrappers with one of the lowest payrolls in baseball, was pleased with their performance this year. However, he admitted to being disappointed at their consistent lack of success in the postseason.

“As usual, I succeeded in assembling a talented group of guys with a small payroll, but I just can’t figure out how to win it all,” Beane said. “Some say they key is good chemistry, but we’ve got that and we still can’t win. Others say spending money is the key factor, but the Yankees do that and they always blow it in the end. I guess it’s just random chance that determines who goes all the way every year. Um…actually you better not print that. We don’t want the whole façade to come crashing down on the eve of the World Series.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.