INDIANAPOLIS--In a stunning coup for ESPN, reclusive wide receiver Chad Johnson granted a rare interview to Suzy Kolber prior to Monday night’s Bengals-Colts game. During the conversation, Kolber challenged Johnson with penetrating questions about his touchdown dances, his nickname, “Ocho Cinco,” and his yellow mohawk.

Johnson was surprisingly revealing with his comments.

“My favorite touchdown celebration was the one where I got on one knee and pretended to propose to that cheerleader,” Johnson confessed. “I really enjoyed that one, and I think the fans got a kick out of it, too. I also liked the Irish step dance I did. It took me a long time to practice that, you know. You wanna hear about my nickname, ‘Ocho Cinco?’ I think you’re going to enjoy this story. ‘Ocho’ means ‘Eight,’ and ‘Cinco’ means ‘Five.’ My number is 85. So that’s where I got that nickname. Whew. Can we take a break for a minute? This is harder than I thought it would be.”

Johnson also revealed that he grew a yellow mohawk earlier in the season as a means to draw attention to himself.

“I just thought that would be a fun way to stand out from the crowd,” Johnson said. “You know, mohawks are kind of outrageous and a yellow one is even more outrageous. So I got a yellow mohawk. Then I shaved it after we lost a couple games. So there you go. America finally knows the inside story behind my crazy mohawk. The veil has been lifted, so to speak. Is there anything else you want to know about me?”

Replied Kolber: “Chad, I know this is going to be difficult, but tell me which cornerback in the NFL is the best trash talker. Take your time.”

“Whoa, that one threw me for a loop,” Johnson replied. “Um…D’Angelo Hall is pretty good. He gets right in your face and gives you hell. Pacman Jones is another one. And Champ Bailey isn’t too bad, though he’s a bit more understated than the rest of those guys. I guess that’s all of them. Any more questions? Go easy on me, I…I’m not used to opening up like this.”

After the interview, many members of the media wondered how ESPN and Kolber could pull off such a dramatic coup.

“This is like getting a sit down with Bob Dylan or Prince or something,” said Pam Oliver, sideline reporter for Fox. “Chad Johnson never speaks to the media. How much did they pay? What kind of arrangement did they make? I bet it was something big, because to drag this guy out of obscurity and into the limelight takes something special. Maybe they gave him one of those ESPN windbreakers or a subscription to ESPN the Magazine. That would make Kurt Cobain leap out of his grave to chat.”

By Tuesday morning, the interview had appeared on YouTube, and was being devoured by millions of Americans eager for a look at the most mysterious, secretive professional athlete the world has ever known. The blogosphere was also buzzing with analysis and dissection of the ten minute sit-down.

“Seeing Chad Johnson on my television, helmetless, freely discussing his hilarious, fascinating antics on the football field, was surreal,” wrote one blogger. “D’Angelo Hall is a good trash talker? That’s priceless! The Irish step dance was funny? Amazing! Why can’t other networks and reporters elevate themselves to this kind of investigative journalism? Shame on them for spoon feeding us the same old tired, cliched, camera-hogging athletes. What do they think we are, idiots? Clearly Monday Night Football is the gold standard for television reportage.”

Next week, ESPN announced Monday Night Football will feature an interview with Terrell Owens and a rare, never-before-seen montage of Brett Favre highlights.

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.