LOS ANGELES--Highly touted high school running back Joe McKnight has just committed to the University of Southern California and he’s already driving around in his new Cadillac CTS. McKnight, who came close to signing with LSU, changed his mind when USC coach Pete Carroll informed him that all incoming freshman, athletes or otherwise, receive a free car as part of standard university policy.

Now McKnight is looking forward to parking his new ride in the student parking lot with the rest of the CTS’s.

“Wow this is some school,” said McKnight, currently a senior at John Curtis Christian High School in Louisiana. “Did you know they give every single incoming freshman a new Cadillac? They do. Pete Carroll told me. He said it’s part of the university policy to welcome new students, which I think is really nice because coming to a new school can be pretty scary and it’s good to reach out to people. LSU was cool, but they weren’t offering that. They were only offering this stupid dirt bike, and just for me, not for every student in the school, which I thought was kind of classless.”

McKnight was poised to sign with LSU after coach Les Miles visited him on February 1st. However, the 18-year-old was “bowled over” after talking with Carroll and receiving the complimentary car.

“When I talked to coach Carroll I told him how badly I wanted to go to LSU,” said McKnight. “Then he said ‘Well I bet you one new Cadillac that you will be coming to my school instead.’ Of course I was outraged and told him that I wouldn’t accept any illegal gifts. Then he explained to me that all the students get new cars, and then he put me on the phone with Reggie Bush, who corroborated his claims. So, long story short, I’m going to USC, and LSU can suck my Cadillac-driving ass.”

Carroll did remind McKnight not to show his new car to anyone outside the school lest they become jealous and try to slash the tires.

“Yea, I’m supposed to kind of keep it on the down low for the moment, but I’ve been telling people,” said McKnight. “I can’t help it. The thing is so awesome and I’ve never had a decent car before and I just can’t keep it to myself. So far nobody’s tried to slash the tires or anything, though a couple of reporters from the LA Times came by to take some pictures. You should’ve seen how excited they were. They acted like they’ve never seen a Caddy before! I guess none of them went to USC.”

Despite McKnight’s claims, sources at USC say there is no policy in place that awards free cars to incoming freshman. When reached for comment, coach Pete Carroll dismissed McKnight’s claims as “exaggerated” and “coming from a very excited and confused young man.” The coach denied knowing anything about a new Cadillac CTS.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Carroll. “He must be confused. Maybe he just saw a movie about Cadillacs or something and in the midst of his excitement and adrenaline, projected that onto his actual life and then…compounded it with a story about how I told him we give free cars to all our freshman and…how I put him on the phone with Reggie Bush, and then um…delivered an actual Cadillac to his house. Wow, that’s quite an active imagination. He must be totally batshit. Good runner, though. Downhill. Anyway, I gotta go.”

Carroll’s version of the story isn’t sitting well with some observers, including LSU coach Les Miles, who is still smarting from McKnight’s decision to sign with USC. Miles is joining the growing chorus of critics questioning Carroll’s recruiting tactics.

“I think this whole thing stinks and I think the NCAA needs to get to the bottom of it,” said Miles. “Pete’s story just doesn’t ring true to me. If I was a betting man, I’d say that USC gave this kid a luxury car in return for his commitment to the school. It’s as simple as that. They should be punished and they should be forced to return McKnight to his rightful owners: us. Oh, and does anyone want a dirt bike? It’s free and it’s in mint condition, except it has the initials ‘J.M’ painted on the side in big, flaming letters.”

Upon hearing about the alleged scandal, NCAA president Myles Brand promised a “full scale investigation” into USC’s recruiting tactics.

“These are outrageous allegations and, if true, could mean serious consequences for USC,” Brand told a group of reporters outside his office. “We have strict rules forbidding this kind of behavior. Nobody in the NCAA is above the law – not even Steve Spurrier. What? It’s not South Carolina? Oh, it’s that USC. I see. Well, they are above the law. Sorry.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.