Red Sox, Yankees Feel Obligated To Fight Each Other

NEW YORK--Players from the Red Sox and Yankees acknowledged today that they will probably fight each other during their upcoming series at Yankee Stadium. Though the teams would rather concentrate on playing baseball than engaging in a brawl, they do feel an obligation to meet the expectations of the fans and media.

“I guess we’ll probably have to have some kind of incident,” said Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek. “When these two teams get together people just expect it. The TV crews will all be there, everyone will be watching back home, the fans will be inebriated—you just kind of feel bad sending everyone home disappointed. Plus, the Fox people have really been putting the pressure on us. They’re hoping we can fight near the backstop right in front of that big Nanny 911 sign.”

In recent years, the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry has reached new levels. Each season brings a new chapter, complete with heroes, villains, and high drama. A media circus surrounds each game. Under the glare of the spotlight, the pressure builds to do something memorable.

“Oh boy, here we go, another damn series against the Red Sox,” said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. “I suppose something monumental and ‘historic’ is going to happen, like when Don Zimmer charged Pedro Martinez or Jason Varitek went at it with A-Rod, and the media turned it into a goddamn reality TV show. For me and a lot of the other guys it gets boring, but the media never gets sick of it. The fans don’t either. So I guess it’s time for another epic battle. Wake me when it’s over.”

Jeter’s teammate, Bernie Williams, says the pressure to appease the masses will push the players to instigate fights whenever the opportunity arises.

“You can bet we’ll fight the first chance we get,” said Williams. “It’s not like we want to, but deep down we are all entertainers. Us not fighting would be like Lynard Skynard doing a show and not doing ‘Freebird’ or the Stones not performing ‘Satisfaction.’ It’s just not right for the fans. They pay good money to come see us kick the shit out of each other, and we won’t disappointment. So next time we play each other I’ll have my game face on. You know, the one that looks like I’m sitting at the kitchen table and reading the back of a cereal box.”

The media is doing its part to ensure the two teams have the proper motivation for their next brawl. On the first day of spring training, writers from Boston and New York were already baiting players into “talking smack” about each other, while ESPN has dusted off last year’s brawl footage in anticipation of the April 3rd season opener.

The Fox network has already finished its trailer for the big match-up, which will be aired dozens of times over the next few weeks and once again during the pre-game show. The trailer will feature slow motion shots of classic Sox-Yankees fights with this voice over by Joe Buck:

“The empire. The Jedi. Two fierce rivals square off in an all-out, no-holds-barred smackdown that will leave both teams bloodied, but only one team defeated. Who will be this year’s hero? Who will be this year’s villain? Will somebody be killed, their limbs torn asunder, their mutilated corpse left to die on the pitcher’s mound? Will children weep as their heroes engage in a media-fueled death match right in front of their eyes? Yes, hopefully, if there’s any justice in this world.”

With so much pressure to fight, managers on both teams are having a hard time focusing their players on the game itself. In fact, both managers said they’d be happy when the series is over and they can return to the business of playing baseball.

“I used to look forward to these series with the Red Sox, but not anymore,” said Yankees skipper Joe Torre. “In the old days it was just two great teams that really didn’t like each other going at it. Now the whole thing seems a little staged. I’ve even got the Fox people telling me to get involved in the fighting. They say it would be ‘historic’ and ‘monumental’ if I body slammed Terry Francona and maybe stomped on his testicles. It would be ‘just another chapter in this century-long blood feud.’ Whatever. If I want to stomp on some guy’s testicles, I’ll go to one of Jeter's S & M parties ”

Producers of the popular show Baseball Tonight are also calling for some bloodshed from the Sox and Yanks. Last year, BBTN dedicated approximately 62 hours of airtime to analysis of the Varitek-Rodriguez brawl. This year, they are hoping for more of the same.

“These fights are great entertainment. They also fill up a lot of hours of programming,” said host Karl Ravech. “Plus, they give our commentators a chance to rave about how amazing this great rivalry is, then in the same breath shake their heads at the needless violence and the poor message it sends to the nation's youth. That’s a big concern for us here at ESPN, even though we all know that our nation’s youth is way to hip to give a shit what baseball players are doing.”