INDIANAPOLIS--In a stirring ceremony at Canseco Fieldhouse Thursday night, former Pacer Reggie Miller was named Most Awesome Person Ever by the Pacers organization and the state of Indiana. Miller was awarded the key to the city and had his jersey raised to the rafters as part of the tribute.

“I hereby declare this Reggie Miller Day!” shouted Indianapolis mayor Bart Peterson. “Reggie, you’ve been an inspirational basketball player and a wonderful person. You’re better than every other person in every way. It’s only fitting that we formally name you Most Awesome Person Ever. Please accept this key to the city. It really does open every door. I’m sure whoever you barge in on will welcome you with open arms.”

Next up was Pacers owner Donnie Walsh, who called Miller “a God among us.”

“Whenever I think of Reggie Miller I think of sheer excellence,” said Walsh. “You have an almost God-like quality. If it was sanitary, I’d sacrifice a goat at your feet. But it’s not sanitary. I heard you can actually get some kind of bacteria from it. Instead we'll just raise your number to the rafters.”

Walsh also highlighted Miller’s accomplishments on the court.

“Reggie, you drained a shitload of 3-pointers. I can still remember the faces of the Knicks fans when you broke their hearts during the playoffs. And you were a great flopper, too. There will never be another like you, with all due respect to Manu Ginboli. Please. He looks like a special Olympian when he falls down. You, Reggie, look like a trained acrobat. You were an artist. And a liar, too, essentially.”

When Miller was introduced to speak, the crowd of over 18,000 rose to their feet and burst into a standing ovation that lasted just under 10 minutes. Before it was over, several members of the crowd collapsed from exhaustion, while others simply fainted from the excitement of being in the presence of the Most Awesome Person Ever.

One fan dove off the balcony onto the court just to be closer to Miller. She was removed from the floor with a spatula.

“Thank you, fans. This is very special for me,” Miller told the crowd. “Ever since I came to Indianapolis you’ve embraced me like a son. You give me standing ovations when I cut a fart. You’re like an American Idol audience, for Christ’s sake. All this despite the fact that I’ve never even won a championship. Oops, sorry. Shouldn’t have brought that up. Moving right along.”

Miller also introduced members of his family to the audience, who received similar adulation for no other reason than that they happen to be related to him.

“This is my sister, Cheryl,” Miller told the crowd, who responded with yet another standing ovation. “She’s here because, well, because she’s my sister. And I don’t need any other reason because I’m the Most Awesome Person Ever now and if I drag my sister up here you’re going to cheer for her like she’s the Queen of England. Cheryl, take a bow. You’ve had a great career as my sister.”

Miller then introduced his brothers, who received a prolonged standing ovation themselves, and his next door neighbor Randall, who looked confused but happy, and finally his cat, Murray, who received six marriage proposals.

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.