Resolute Bush Sticking With Colts As Superbowl Pick

WASHINGTON, DC--Striking a familiar tone of determination and resolve, President Bush said yesterday that he was “holding firm” to his prediction that the Indianapolis Colts will win the Super Bowl this year. Though most experts abandoned the Colts after they were eliminated in the divisional playoffs, Bush urged Americans to stay the course and be “resolute.”

“One month ago I predicted the Colts would win the AFC and then go on to win the Super Bowl,” Bush said during his weekly radio address. “Turns out they were beaten by the Patriots, but you know what? If I had to pick again, I would pick the Colts, even with the knowledge that they were going to lose. Folks, a lot of people say I should reverse course, but now is not the time to cut and run. We must be resolute, we must stand firm, and we must hold fast to the path we have chosen. Please join me in offering support to the Indianapolis Colts. Thank you, and God bless America .”

Bush’s view on the Super Bowl has drawn heavy criticism from Democrats, and even some Republicans, who wonder how the President can throw his support behind a team that won’t even compete in the Superbowl.

However, those in his inner circle stood firmly by their boss’s assertions.

“Am I backing the Colts? Absolutely, with every fiber of my being,” said defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “The President believes in sticking to his guns and that’s one of the things I admire most about him. Sure it would be easy to look at the situation logically and say that the Colts have no chance of winning a game they won’t even be playing, but logic is for liberals and Europeans. We’re all about resoluteness, fortitude, and defiance, even when faced with factual evidence that contradicts everything we believe to be true.”

Bush also received support from some members of the media, including Fox’s Brit Hume, who praised the President on Friday and called the naysayers “spineless.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of all these so-called Americans jumping off the Colts bandwagon just because they lost to the Patriots and have gone home for the season,” Hume began. “It seems our commander-in-chief is the only person with the courage to stick to his guns in the face of adversity. Now pardon my frankness, but there are a lot of spineless people in this great land of ours who favor a cut and run strategy with the Colts. Well, that’s fine. Cut and run if you must, but this reporter is backing President Bush, the man whose picture I masturbate to every single night.”

Later on the show, Hume interviewed sports personality Bob Costas, who disputed the President’s Super Bowl pick.

“The Colts? The Colts? But they already lost!” shouted an exasperated Costas. “How the hell can the president be so stupid? Is he crazy? It has to be either the Eagles or the Patriots. The Colts have no chance!”

Hume responded, “Are you saying you think the Eagles or Patriots will win the game? I suppose you voted for John Kerry, too, heh heh heh. Thanks for coming on the show, Mr. Costas. Coming up next, an Iraqi family thanks the President for liberating them--at gun point.”

Several members of the Republican Party, however, did question the President’s judgment in regards to picking football games. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) called Bush’s prediction “strange” and said that it reflected badly on the White House.

“I’m not quite sure why he’s sticking to his guns here,” McCain said. “Perhaps he’s joking. Perhaps the stress of the job is getting to him. Perhaps he’s getting a little carried away with this whole ‘resolve’ thing. I’d like to hear some clarification from the President on this one, because if he really is this stupid, I may actually consider joining one of those Islamic militant groups.”

When reached for comment, White House spokesman Scott McClellan reiterated the President’s stance, explaining the he “didn’t want to send the wrong message to the Colts by cutting and running when things got difficult.”

For the Colts players, the President’s endorsement, while flattering, is of little help. Quarterback Peyton Manning expressed surprise that Bush is still supporting the team despite its elimination.

“Um…he knows we got beat, right?” Manning asked. “Because this is a little bizarre, even for him. I understand that he is resolute, but there is a point when resolve becomes stubbornness, and stubbornness becomes insanity. I think that’s where he’s at right now. And frankly, I’m a little disappointed that he supported us in the first place. Why would we want his support? Everything the guy touches turns to shit.”