NEW YORK--Giants QB Eli Manning, who led his team to a thrilling Super Bow victory last year, announced plans to retire now while everybody still loves him. In a press conference Manning expressed his desire to be remembered as a Super Bowl hero rather than “push his luck” by playing in the 2008 season.

“I don’t think it would be wise for me to attempt to return this season and continue my playing career,” said Manning. “Not after the way I finished last year. Right now, everybody thinks I’m clutch. They think I’m a big hero. If I come back, they’ll be reminded once again that I’m just an average to slightly above average quarterback who had somebody catch a ball off his head in the most important game of his life.”

Manning pointed out that the “grace period” for a Super Bowl-winning quarterback isn’t very long, especially in a fickle place like New York.

“It will only take a couple bad games before people start criticizing me again,” said Manning. “We start off 1-4 and the Post will be calling for my head. Why even take that kind of risk when I can quit now, be remembered as a hero, have plenty of money in the bank, and get laid by pretty much anyone? Exactly, there’s no reason. So goodbye, NFL. It’s been a great run. I’ve been blessed blah blah blah, etc. I’ll see you first week of the season at my emotional tribute.”

Manning’s teammates were surprised that the young quarterback, in the prime of his career, would call it quits so suddenly. However, some said they understood the logic behind his decision.

“I certainly didn’t expect Eli to retire at this point,” said running back Brandon Jacobs. “I mean, the kid just won the Super Bowl. He’s at the top of the mountain. Then again, when you’re at the top of the mountain, the only way to go is down. I guess you just have to follow your heart. Me, I have my own plan: Since my jersey number is 27, I’m going to retire when I’m 27 or after my 27th Super Bowl, whichever comes first.”

Receiver Plaxico Burress said he was sorry to see his friend go, but it would not affect his decision to resign with the team.

“It’s not going to be the same without Eli here, but I’m still a New York Giant and I plan to remain so for as long as possible,” he said. “I have some great memories of Eli: the winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl, the…winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl, and…um…that time we went to Chili’s and ordered all those tequila shots and hooked up with these two high school girls and…anyway, it was a great ride.”

Head coach Tom Coughlin promised to try and talk Manning out of retirement, saying that the team does not have a suitable replacement waiting in the wings. Currently, the team's backup quarterbacks are David Carr and Anthony Wright.

Coughlin even went so far as to insinuate Manning was being selfish.

“Eli needs to reconsider this decision,” Coughlin told reporters on Tuesday. “His departure would leave us in dire straights. Have you seen David Carr play? Scary. I’m going to go talk to Eli right now and try to change his mind. I’m a very, very persuasive guy. When I tried to talk Tiki Barber out of retiring, he only laughed at me for two, three minutes, tops.”

Copyright 2008, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.