Old Fashioned Retro-Ballpark Has Futuristic Prices

SAN DIEGO, CA--At first glance, San Diego’s Petco Park is a typical retro ballpark, complete with a brick warehouse overlooking the outfield, intimate seating, and a charming asymmetrical playing field. The atmosphere of Petco Park evokes an intimacy and quaintness reminiscent of the grand old ballparks of old. But one feature makes this beautiful bandbox stand out from its predecessors: the futuristic ticket and concession prices.

From $6 hot dogs to $7 dollar beers to $45 bleacher seats, Petco Park boasts the prices of tomorrow in the ballpark of yesterday.

“Wow, I had no idea this place was so expensive,” said Ted Loman, San Diego resident who brought his family of four to the ballpark and spent over $300. “We bought one of those game programs for $9.99. Then I went and got everyone a hot dog and a coke, and the total came to $63 dollars. Imagine that. I thought this was a real old-timey ballpark, but prices like this make it a futuristic wonderworld!”

Another fan was wowed by Petco Park’s amazingly high prices when he purchased an iced cream sandwich from a vendor.

“Holy cow, this iced cream sandwich cost $4,” said Bill Montcliffe, 35. “That’s a unbelievable price, especially for such a classic, old fashioned place. Petco Park is like the ballpark of tomorrow…today!”

Sarah Champagne of nearby Chula Vista said the high prices reminded her of something “ultra modern.”

“I bought a Padres cap for $32,” she said, sporting the handsome cap on her head. “Then I picked up one of these foam fingers for $18. Not to mention, my box seats in the ‘Toyota Terrace’ cost $55. This place may look like something out of the 1950’s, but it definitely has modern prices. I bet they never charged $7 dollars for a draft beer at Ebbet’s Field or the Polo Grounds. Then again, they weren’t named after a dog food store, either.”

Champagne also experienced the quaint charm of the “Founders Club Suites” first hand.

“They have these suites all over the ballpark that you can rent out,” she said. “Well, not you or me, but corporations and CEOs. I didn’t realize they were off limits until I tried to walk into one and was roughed up by a security guard. The guy threw me to the ground, put a foot on my neck, and told me the suite was being rented by the people from Microsoft. He finally let me go when I started crying. I guess that’s why those suites are so expensive. They have great security.”

John Moore, owner of the San Diego Padres, is extremely proud of his new ballpark and its many outstanding features. He notes that the seats are extra comfortable with lots of leg room, and the sightlines are second to none. But his favorite feature is the high prices.

“This place is truly beautiful,” said Moore. “You really can’t beat the experience of coming to Petco Park. There are many, many wonderful features that make it truly unique. But my favorite aspect is the high prices. We’re really building a bridge into the 21st century here, and I for one, am proud of it. And the best part is that with every purchase you make, we donate one dollar to the America Red Cross. It’s the least we can do. Seriously. It was the absolute lowest amount they would accept.”

Petco Park isn’t the only retro park that charges modern prices. Virtually every one of the newly built, old fashioned stadiums feature prices that defy their cute, intimate appearance. Places like Camden Yards in Baltimore and Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia hearken back to a kinder, more innocent time. But their prices hearken forward to a stark, cold, frightening future.

“Camden Yards is really the perfect juxtaposition of nostalgic surroundings and modern day price gouging,” said Orioles Owner Peter Angelos. “When we built it, we wanted to evoke the memory of baseball past, when the tradition of the game meant more than dollars and cents. Then we wanted to combine that with the modern day tradition of dollars and cents superseding tradition. People will always pay futuristic prices to recapture a piece of the past.”

Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia is one of the many retro ballparks that are named after a corporation or financial institution. As a way to help fund the building of the parks, franchises award naming rights to the highest bidders.

Phillies owner Bill Giles describes the team’s relationship with Citizens Bank:

“Let me sum up the relationship,” he began. “They gave us money. We slapped their name on the stadium. Simple as that. It works out great, really. Our baseball stadium is named after a bank. Our football stadium is named after a bank. Our basketball and hockey stadiums are named after banks. We’ve stopped just short of getting on our knees and blowing every banker in town. But the important thing is, I’m rich.”