Goodell Encourages Players To Break Law In Attempt At Reverse Psychology

NEW YORK--Since the NFL unveiled its new Personal Conduct Policy in November, several players have been involved in off-the-field incidents, including, most recently, the Jets’ Justin Miller, the Bengals’ A.J. Nicholson, the Falcons’ Michael Vick, and the Broncos’ David Kircus.

With the new policy having no effect on player behavior, the league has decided to switch tactics and encourage players to break the law, in an attempt at reverse psychology.

“After revisiting our new Personal Conduct Policy, we have come to the conclusion that being arrested might not be such a bad thing,” commissioner Roger Goodell said in a press conference today. “It’s part of life, really. So if you’re a player, go out and break the law. Punch somebody in the face. Hit your girlfriend. Go buy some pit bulls and make them fight each other. What, are you afraid Commissioner Dork is going to take you into his office and make you write 500 lines on the chalkboard? Grow some balls.”

When Goodell first announced his new Personal Conduct Policy, which included lengthy suspensions for any player in trouble with the law, he expected a sharp drop-off in off field incidents. However, the opposite has occurred, leaving the commissioner to wonder if heavier punishments are really the answer.

“Maybe militance is not the way to go,” Goodell said. “After all, it was only a few isolated incidents that caused me to go all Taliban on everybody, and now things just seem to be getting worse. It’s like they’re rebelling against my authority. Well, from now on if they want to rebel they’re going to have to not get arrested. I gotta say, it’s a pretty good idea on my part. And that’s why they elected me commissioner: to come up with ideas that sound pretty good but don’t actually do work.”

Goodell has even started to break a few laws himself in order to make it less appealing to NFL players.

“I took a crap in a handicapped stall,” he said. “There could have been a guy in a wheelchair waiting outside the door to use it, but I didn’t care. Laws are for pussies. I also parked my car without putting a quarter in the meter, then when I came out and found a ticket on my windshield, I crinkled it up and threw it into my car. I’ll send them a check, but it will barely be legible. Also I punched a hooker, which was kind of disturbing because the second I did it the chick was like ‘Oh, what NFL team do you play for?’”

The early returns on the NFL’s new policy haven’t been promising. Five players were arrested on Monday night, and several more have said they plan to break the law in their future before the commissioner comes to his senses.

“Finally the guy decides to take off the skirt,” said one AFC player. “Finally, we get to enjoy being young, popular, and extremely wealthy. I plan on taking advantage of this while it lasts. I’m going out clubbing tonight and then I’m going to drive home drunk to my estate where I will be pitting my Cocker Spaniel against my Scottish Terrier in an all-out death match. Then? I’m going to illegally download some songs to my iPod, bitches! Yea! It’s anarchy!”

Still, others feel that the rule will only serve to give the law abiding players a bad name.

“I think it’s a terrible message to be sending,” said Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. “Players need to behave themselves, and if they can’t, the league needs to step in and kick a little ass. Remember, playing in the NFL is not a right, but a privilege – until you’re around 50, and you can’t walk anymore and the league won’t pay your medical bills. Then it's a nightmare.”

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