CHICAGO--Bears cornerback Ricky Manning Jr. admitted he was mentally pummeling a Jewish reporter during a post game interview Sunday night in the Bears locker room. The admission comes just days after Manning pleaded no contest to chargers he assaulted a man in a restaurant whom he accused of being a “Jew” and a “faggot.”

Manning, a rabid anti-Semite, said it was all he could do to resist assaulting the reporter for real.

“Man, what an asshole,” Manning said. “It was this guy named ‘Jake Stein’ from the Tribune or the Sun-Times or something. ‘Jake Stein.’ Even the name makes me mad. You should’ve seen the way he was standing there, acting all Jewish, with this gay little laptop bag slung over his shoulder. He was practically begging to have his ass kicked. I don’t even know how I controlled myself. I guess those yoga classes I’m taking are really starting to help.”

In lieu of actually beating the reporter, Manning spent a few moments mentally beating him instead, and said it was “therapeutic” and “fun.”

“He stuck his microphone in my face and started asking me some questions, and I just zoned out and fantasized about assaulting him,” said Manning. “I imagined slapping him in the face and then kicking him in the groin. I was like ‘Take that, Seinfeld!’ It was awesome.”

“If I see him again,” he added. “I might just do it for real. Why not? It’s not like they’re going to punish me. I had two interceptions yesterday. I could beat up [Bears owner] Virginia McCaskey right now and they'd give me the key to the goddamn city.”

Stein, who writes for the Chicago Tribune, reported later that he was “scared for his life.” He plans to file a complaint with the league and avoid going into the Bears locker room in the future.

“Wow, the look that he gave me was the look of death,” said Stein. “His eyes were all beady, his nostrils were flaring, he was breathing heavy, he looked like a bull getting ready to charge. It didn’t take me long to get the hell out of there. Now I know how that poor kid at Denny’s felt. Well, almost. At least I didn’t get beaten into unconsciousness. Then again, I wasn’t sitting in a restaurant working on a laptop, either, so I wasn’t really asking for it.”

When informed of the incident Sunday, Bears GM Jerry Angelo said he wouldn’t take any disciplinary action against Manning since no words were exchanged and no assault took place.

“It’s an unfortunate situation, but Ricky didn’t do anything other than glare at somebody,” said Angelo, who signed Manning just days after the Denny’s incident. “It’s not like he beat him up or called him names or anything. If he did, we would have sat him down and explained to him that’s wrong and he should never do it again. Frankly, I blame the whole thing on the Tribune. They know Ricky hates Jews, yet they sent in a Jewish reporter anyway. That’s just a bald provocation right there. Every man has his breaking point. ”

Manning’s teammates and friends also came to his defense. Maurice Jones-Drew, his former teammate at UCLA who was present at the Denny’s beating, said that Manning is just “misunderstood” and shouldn’t be blamed for his violent tendencies.

“That’s just Ricky being Ricky,” said Jones-Drew, now with the Jacksonville Jaguars. “Everybody thinks he’s this violent thug, but in reality, he’s just misunderstood. Oh, and don’t be calling him homophobic, either, just because he called the guy a fag. It’s just an expression. It doesn’t really mean anything. If he really hated gay people, he would have kicked the shit out of me after watching one of my touchdown dances.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.