Players Of Today Admit They’re Pieces Of Shit Compared To Ripken, Gwynn

COOPERSTOWN, NY--When Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame on Sunday, the nation’s baseball fans, jaded by scandal and corruption, were able to celebrate all that is good and pure about our national pastime, if only for one day. The poignant acceptance speeches even touched some of today’s selfish, dishonest players, many of whom admitted that they are “pieces of shit” compared to luminaries like Ripken and Tony Gwynn.

“I am a piece of shit,” said Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols, after watching Tony Gwynn’s stirring acceptance speech. “I am garbage. I don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘integrity.’ When I come to the ball park every day, I do it for selfish reasons. Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken? They played the game the right way. They probably flushed their paychecks down the toilet when they got them. I bet they even wiped their asses with them first. That’s what I should do. Where is my paycheck? I’m going to wipe my ass with it. Oh, damn, I forgot I have direct deposit.”

Mets third baseman David Wright said that watching Gwynn and Cal Ripken made him “ashamed to be a major leaguer.”

“God, I used to be so proud of myself for being a professional ballplayer, but now I realize that I am a scumbag,” Wright said. “Look at me, running around with all my millions of dollars and my big fancy car, having sex with women left and right. I’m not a role model. I’m a jerk. Hell, I’m probably even on steroids. Everybody else is nowadays. I bet when I retire there won’t even be a Hall of Fame. They’ll probably stop admitting new people because nobody will be worthy.”

The selfishness and depravity of today’s players isn’t just limited to the field of play. Off the field, their actions pale in comparison to the heroic deeds of Gwynn and Ripken.

“Cal Ripken spent every minute outside of baseball doing charity work,” said Yankees shortstop Alex Rodriguez, an asshole. “He never even went home. He slept briefly on park benches between visits to soup kitchens and children’s hospitals. Me? I only do charity work a couple times a month and it’s always more about the photo op than it is about the kids. I’d rather be hanging out a strip clubs and committing adultery. Oh, and I like transsexual strippers and I pay them to pee on me. Just thought I’d mention that before Canseco's new book comes out.”

Rodriguez, the highest paid player in baseball history, said the temptations of money and performance enhancing drugs makes it impossible for today’s players to live up to the standards of the heroes of yore.

“In defense of my generation, I will say we have more temptation than the older guys,” he said. “Nowadays, people are throwing hundreds of millions of dollars in your face and you have these wonder drugs that can make you hit more home runs. We even have these little ‘greenies’ that give you energy and make you all pumped up. Players in the old days were too classy for that stuff. They probably wouldn’t even take aspirin for fear that not having a headache would give them an unfair advantage over someone who did.”

The disgrace that is Major League Baseball will take another hit in the upcoming days when the inhuman, despicable Barry Bonds breaks the home run record held for years by Hank Aaron. Though the record will be tainted because of Bonds’ steroid use, there is nothing to stop the inevitable from occurring.

Said Bonds: “I don’t think it’s true that yesterday’s players were so much classier than we are today. There are plenty of hard working, honest, generous players in the game right now, and contrary to popular belief, most of us really want to play the game the right way. Just enjoy the game for what it is. Don’t live in the past. In 20 or 30 years, people will be looking back on this generation of players and saying how classy we were. Think about that for a minute. If that doesn't put things in perspective, I don't know what will. ”

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