Rock Climbing Named Most Popular Sport Among People In Commercials

BOULDER, CO--For the third year in a row, rock climbing has been named the most popular sport among characters in television commercials. The activity, which has been depicted in a record number of ads this year, is being hailed as the latest craze among make-believe people in televised advertisements.

“The popularity of rock climbing is really at its peak,” says Neil Lamarsh, Vice-President of Lamarsh and Lehman Advertising. “People in commercials have taken to the extreme sport in record numbers, and its popularity is still growing.”

According to Lamarsh, the products most likely to feature rock climbing in their commercials are SUV’s, soft drinks, and alcoholic beverages. Since rock climbing is a symbol of freedom and rugged individuality, it is an attractive tool for corporations who are trying to associate themselves with that sort of lifestyle.

“Our soft drink is the sort of drink that would appeal to people who are free spirited and adventurous,” says Suzy Travers of Mountain Dew. “Just taste it and you’ll understand. It goes hand in hand with rock climbing, bungee jumping and white water rafting. If you don’t partake in these activities, it’s probably because you’re fat and lazy, and you’re also a coward. You could never star in a Mountain Dew commercial.”

“I just love rock climbing,” says Kyle, one of the the three “Do The Dew” guys. “Its totally hip and it really appeals to my generation of fictional characters created by focus groups and corporations. It’s the perfect sport for us.”

One commercial character recalls one of her rock climbing adventures fondly: “One time I walked in to this little diner and I saw this really cute guy sitting at a table with his friends. He was beautiful just like me and our eyes met, and so I did what I always do when I meet a guy. I wrote down the latitude and longitude of where I was going rock climbing on a napkin, crinkled it up and dropped it at his feet. Then I left. This is a perfect way to screen cool guys from losers, you know? So me and my girlfriends drive to our favorite rock climbing spot in our Jeep, and we’re standing there getting our gear on, and guess who shows up? The guy from the diner! I knew right then we were meant for each other. If this guy can find me based on latitude and longitude coordinates, it means he’s a rock-climbing adventurer. Either that or he passed high school geography.”

Another commercial character from a Miller Lite Ad talks about his own experiences with the ultra popular sport: “Me and my friend were rock climbing like we always do every minute of our lives, right, and we’re about half a mile up the side of this huge mountain, and his strap starts severing! So he’s dangling there, inches from death, and he starts whining like a crybaby! What a fuckin pussy, huh? Oh man, he made me promise not to tell anyone, but I couldn’t resist telling it to some girls over a great tasting Miller Lite.”

What makes the rise in popularity of rock climbing among people in commercials even less likely is the general apathy it inspires among actual people. According to a poll, rock climbing is the 370th most popular sport in America, behind such activities as Backgammon (#156), Curling (#369) and Midget Tossing (#6)

“It doesn’t really matter that real people very rarely participate in rock climbing. Actually, we like it like that. That way, when they see these thin, young, attractive people on television climbing rocks, they’ll realize how lame they are, and maybe it’ll get em to buy our product. That’s the idea anyway.”

There’s no telling when or if the rock climbing craze, which has swept the nation’s advertisers, will end, but Lamarsh says don’t expect it to fizzle out any time soon.

“It’s just the thing to do right now,” says Lamarsh. “I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead hanging off the side of a fucking rock, but if it sells soft drinks, who gives a shit, right?”