NEW YORK--Brazilian football star Ronaldo has rejected a proposed $120 million to play for the New York Red Bulls of Major League Soccer. Ronaldo is widely regarded as one of the best players in the world, and his acquisition by an American team would have been a major coup. Still, Americans seem to be taking the news in stride.

“Who? Ronaldo?” asked 27-year-old Drew Kingsley of Berkeley, California. “Oh, he’s a soccer player. Yes, I think I know who you're talking about. He's the guy with the mohawk that's dating one of the Spice Girls, right? He isn't? Oh, well then I guess I don’t know him. Can I go now? ”

Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer, said when he heard the news about Ronaldo’s decision, he feared it would send the nation into an emotional and spiritual tailspin.

“Oh God as soon as I found at his answer was ‘no,’ I totally freaked out,” said Garber. “I just felt so sorry for Americans. I mean, how long do we have to wait to have an international soccer star to play in our country? Fortunately the nation seems to be taking the whole thing in stride. I really admire that attitude. In fact, if I didn’t know any better I’d be convinced that Americans have never heard of Ronaldo and couldn’t give two shits if he lived or died.”

Garber also credited Americans for their subdued reaction to the US World Cup team’s surprising loss to Morocco last week in a warm-up round.

“Man, if this was England or Italy or something, fans would have gone nuts over this,” Garber said. “Those people are so emotional. But here in America, people were just like 'Whatever. Who cares.' I'm sure they understood that it was just a warm-up match and it didn't even count, so there's no reason to get all crazy about it. Americans never get crazy about soccer. It's just not their style. They keep their passion simmering below the surface. Way, way below the surface, like down in the earth's core, never, ever to be seen or heard by anyone from now until the end of time.”

As for Ronaldo, he still plans to play in America some day. Like many foreign soccer stars, he feels the American market is largely untapped and could be extremely lucrative one day.

“Right now I have a contract with Real Madrid and that’s who I am playing for,” said Ronaldo. “$120 million is a lot of money, but there will be other opportunities. Perhaps later in my career I will come to the states and be embraced by Americans. Because everybody knows that there’s nothing Americans like more than weirdly-named foreigners who play sports they don’t care about.”

Ronaldo also feels that the talented US team will help turn Americans onto soccer.

“What Americans love are winners, and their national team is very talented this year,” he said. “This is all that it will take to turn the US into a soccer hotbed. Also, companies like Gatorade and Nike have been coming out with some great new commercials to promote soccer and show how exciting it is. One thing Americans love is to be pandered to by giant corporations bent on selling them more useless merchandise. That's not going to backfire. Nope, not a chance.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.