Royals Rebuilding Phase Enters Rebuilding Phase

KANSAS CITY, MO--The Kansas City Royals lost 105 games this season, marking the third time in the past four years the team has reached the century mark in losses. That’s why the front office has decided to “blow up” the current roster and rebuild the rebuilding project that started in 1986.

“Our rebuilding phase is now entering its very own rebuilding phase,” said Royals GM Allard Baird, in his fifth full season as general manager. “It was a great idea in 1986 for the Kauffman’s to look to the future and start developing young talent. It was a great idea to continue that plan through the 90’s and into the new millennium. However, the results have been unsatisfactory. We’re blowing up the whole thing and starting over again. Hopefully, 20 or 30 years from now we’ll start to see some real positive results.”

Baird and owner David Glass have overseen the rebuilding project since 2000, when Glass took over as owner. However, after a series of mistakes and missteps, nearly everyone in the organization feels it’s time to start over again—again.

“Once again, we’re starting over again,” said Glass. “The rebuilding phase of the past two decades has proven ineffective. We must rebuild again, only this time do it right. No more trading away of prospects. No more losing all-stars via free agency. No more losing 100 games. It’s time for us to build a champion—at any cost! As long as it doesn’t go over $40 million.”

This year’s Kansas City team saw former Manager of the Year Tony Pena resign after an 8-25 start. The new manager, Buddy Bell, guided the club to a 48-81 record for the rest of the season. However, Glass and Baird refused to lay the blame at the feet of either manager.

“Look, we haven’t had a strong team these past couple decades,” said Baird. “I don’t think it really matters who the manager is, we just need to get more talent. We have no choice but to blow this team up. I only wish we could really blow them up, with dynamite, and I could stand there and watch, surrounded by flames and falling body parts, my arms raised to the sky and my diabolical, inhuman laugh filling the air. But we’ll probably just have to settle for blowing it up figuratively.”

Players on the team, from the rookies to the veterans, know they could be cut or traded at any time. There is no such thing as job security now that the rebuilding phase is starting all over again.

“Everybody here knows what’s up. Nobody is safe,” said closer Mike MacDougal, who had a team-high 21 saves in 2005. “Even me, Mike MacDougal. I was named ‘Pitcher of the Year’ this year for the Royals. That would be a big honor if it was for any other team, but if you look at our pitching staff, it’s not. I mean, I think I won the award just by showing up. The guy who came in second wasn’t even a pitcher. It was our shortstop, Angel Berroa.”

The team’s elder statesman, Mike Sweeney, has endured ten years of humiliation and failure. Shockingly, he has not yet demanded a trade. However, it’s possible that even he could be on the trading block this offseason.

“I really don’t think about that stuff,” said Sweeney, who has led the team in nearly every offensive category during his tenure. “Ideally, I would love to be around when this team finally wins another World Series. It would be really special after all the stuff we’ve been through. On the other hand, I wouldn’t protest if they tried to trade me somewhere else. That’s just part of the game. Did anybody hear that? I said I WOULDN’T PROTEST IF THEY TRIED TO TRADE ME SOMEWHERE ELSE. Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you people? Get me the hell out of here.”

2006 will mark the first season of the Royals’ rebuilt rebuilding phase. The front office is asking fans to be patient as they attempt to build a consistent winner from the ground up.

“Fans, please bear with us here. Rome wasn’t built in a day,” said Glass. “We remain committed to bringing a winner to Kansas City. It might take a year, it might take two years, it make take two decades. Hell it might never happen. But even if it doesn’t, I can promise you that we will keep talking about it and pretending to care. It’s the least we can do—literally.”