KANSAS CITY--Dayton Moore took over as Kansas City Royals GM last Thursday and began the long, slow process of turning the team into a contender. Moore announced that he will model the Royals after his old team, the Atlanta Braves, by building up the farm system and aggressively pursuing free agents. His enthusiasm was tempered a bit, however, when owner David Glass informed him that if he wanted to sign free agents he would need to use his own money.

“I hope this guy has a lot of money, because he’s going to need it if he wants to go nuts with the free agent signings,” said Glass. “If he has his own money and he wants to spend it on some players or whatever, that’s fine. That’s his business. But we’re going to keep the free agent budget exactly the same, which should allow Dayton to continue our strategy of signing role players and making them starters and then freaking out when they don’t win us a pennant.”

Moore was surprised to learn he would have to reach into his own pocket to sign the players he wanted. It’s a far cry from his days in Atlanta, where he had every resource at his disposal.

“Well this is going to be a bit different from what I experienced in Atlanta,” Moore said. “I had all the money and resources I needed there. Here I’m going to have to use my own money, and I don’t have enough of it. On my salary I can probably only afford second-tier utility players, and they’re all already on the team.”

Moore said he plans to sit down with David Glass and try to talk him into using some of the club’s revenue on free agent signings.

“David and I need to have a little talk,” he said. “I think he just needs to realize that it takes a lot of money to build a contending team. We have to take that next step to bring this team to the next level. That next step is spending money on free agents. The step after that is getting a new manager. Then the next step is to spend 7 or 8 years rebuilding the farm system. Once all that is done, we can finally start underachieving.”

The Royals’ previous GM, Allaird Baird, was fired for failing to assemble a team that could rise above last place in the standings. However, any GM would have had a difficult time working with such a limited payroll, Bard said.

“It’s frustrating that I was blamed for the failures of this organization,” Baird said in an interview with the St Louis Post Dispatch. “The payroll here is very small and you really have to spend the money wisely. Of course they also give you the option of using your own money, which I took advantage of one time when I bought a plane ticket for Reggie Sanders. Don’t laugh. If it wasn’t for that policy he would’ve been stranded at the airport. So you have to credit Mr. Glass on that one.”

When challenged on his longstanding policy of forcing his GM’s to use their own money on free agents, Glass said he wasn’t “married to the idea” and that he was open to suggestions.

“Hey, if any of you geniuses have any better ideas, I’m all ears,” said Glass. “Everybody’s an armchair quarterback. Everybody is perfectly willing to spend my money on free agents, as if I am the only person in this organization who would benefit from having a winning team. Why do you think I fired Allaird? I was tired of his excuses. I wanted to restore a sense of accountability to the franchise. I wanted to show that losing is unacceptable. And most of all, I wanted to bust out these cliches, because they make me sound like I have a plan, don't they?”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.