Reggie Sanders’ First Paycheck Bounces

KANSAS CITY, MO--Reggie Sanders’ career with the Kansas City Royals got off to a dubious start recently when his first paycheck was rejected due to insufficient funds. It was an ominous sign for Sanders and the Royals’ other free agent signings, who were concerned about the team’s ability--and willingness--to pay their salaries.

“What the fuck? I’ve never had a payroll check bounce before,” said Sanders, who was signed to a 2-year, $10 million contract this offseason. “I went down to the bank that it was drawn on, UMB Bank on Grand Blvd, presented it to the teller, and she told me there were not enough funds in the account. Luckily I don’t play this game for the money. I’ll be happy to take the field as soon as they pay me what they owe me plus ten million extra dollars for the mental anguish.”

The bounced check has prompted Sanders to wonder if he made the right decision in signing with the Royals.

“I hope I made the right decision here,” he said. “I heard so many great things about the Royals when I was a free agent. Everybody was telling me to come here. The weather is great. The people are great. The organization is great. They were supposedly building a good young team. Come to think of it, though, all those things were said to me by Allard Baird, the general manager. And he was laughing while he was saying them. Tears were streaming down his face. I figured he was just thinking of a funny joke he heard earlier.”

The Kansas City Royals have been somewhat busy this offseason. They acquired Mark Redman in a trade from the Pirates and signed free agents Scott Elarton, Mark Grudzielanek, and Doug Mientkiewicz, all in an attempt to improve on last year’s 106 loss season. Baird assured Sanders that he would get his money, and assured fans that there was nothing to worry about.

“This is just a simple clerical error. We have money and we’re willing to spend it,” Baird told reporters at a press conference this morning. “In fact a new check is being cut as we speak, which will definitely be good, as long as he doesn’t cash it until next Friday.”

Baird then advised other players to wait until Friday, too.

“Elarton, Mark, Doug, Redman, pretty much everybody—hold off on those paychecks. Like I said, this is a minor clerical error. We had to pay for a whole bunch of stuff this month—uniforms, ballpark upgrades, the water bill—it’s just been one of those weeks. And yes, I did place a call to our owner, David Glass, asking him to open up the purse strings a bit so we can avoid this in the future. He didn’t return my call. I don’t even know if it’s the right number. I haven’t talked to him since 2001.”

Sanders, a well respected veteran outfielder, signed with the Royals this year in the hopes that they would rebuild their beleaguered franchise into a contender. Now he has more modest ambitions: to get paid.

“I can’t believe I actually came here hoping to win,” said Sanders. “Clearly that’s not in the cards for this team. Look at the other free agents they signed: Mark Grudzielanek, Doug what’s-his-name, Scott Elarton—Scott Elarton? Who the fuck is Scott Elarton? Oh, he’s a pitcher. Great. They’re ‘shoring up the pitching staff.’ In Kansas City that means waiting till all the good pitchers are signed and then swooping in to pick up the ones desperate enough to return your phone calls.”

Sanders’ dilemma has other members of the team worried about their own financial well being. However, veteran Mike Sweeney said that they have nothing to worry about and offered advice on how to avoid a similar mishap in the future.

“Reggie doesn’t have anything to worry about,” said Sweeney, who has been with the team since 1995. “The thing is, you shouldn’t try to cash the checks before Friday. It’s that simple. It’s the same procedure with every major league team, isn’t it? It’s not? Wow, that’s what they’ve been telling me here all along. How disturbing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me that players on other teams don’t have to pay their own bus fare when they get injured and have to go to the free clinic.”