55-Year-Old Rudy Still Carrying On About That One Stupid Play

AURORA, IL--Rudy Ruettiger, 55-year-old retired construction worker, won’t stop babbling about that one play he got into during a Notre Dame game in 1970. He continues to bore his friends and relatives with the story of how coach Ara Parseghian allowed him on the field for one play in garbage time of a Notre Dame rout.

“Big fucking deal,” says Rudy’s his son-in-law, Terrence. “I’m sorry, but I’m just not all that impressed. Sounds like he just had an unhealthy obsession with Notre Dame and the coach threw him a bone because he felt bad for him. Congratulations.”

According to sources close to the Ruettiger family, the elder Ruettiger spends most of his days in a large easy chair reminiscing about his one moment of glory.

“The guy’s just living in the past,” says Terrence. “I feel sorry for him, actually. And if I have to sit through that corny-ass movie on more time, I’m gonna jump out the window.”

Rudy’s story is well known to everyone. As a young man he dreamed of attending Notre Dame University and playing for the famed Fighting Irish football team. He was undersized and underskilled, and had no chance of being a regular on the squad. But instead of doing better things with his time, he decided to stay focused on achieving his pointless dream. After a long and difficult road, he ended up making the team and being sent on the field for one play. The crowd chanted his name, and the rest is history.

Among those who have been annoyed by Ruettiger’s incessant reminiscing are his grandchildren. The three children all dread being “trapped” with grandpa and having to hear again how he never gave up his stupid dream to play for Notre Dame.

“Grandpa’s always tellin us that same story,” said granddaughter Sally, 8. “I don’t understand why all the people were yelling his name ‘n stuff. All he did was run on the field for one play. What the fuck?”

Not only is he boring family members with his anecdotes, Ruettiger has taken his act on the road. He is currently touring on the lecture circuit, commanding close to ten thousand dollars a speech. Most recently, he spoke at the Brown University commencement.

“Friends, I wasn’t the biggest kid, or the toughest kid, or even the smartest kid,” began Ruettiger, dressed in a black academic robe. “The odds were stacked against me. But that didn’t stop me from following my dream. With help from my mentor, the kindly black janitor Fortune, I worked night and day until I made the practice squad. And when I finally got my shot, why the crowd was behind me one hundred percent. And you know what? I don’t blame them. I am such an inspiration.”

Said grad student Mark Godfrey. “Yale gets Hillary Clinton, and we get Rudy? Great. The only interesting thing was seeing how he could stretch one story into an entire speech. I wasn’t sure he could do it, but he did. The kid sure is scrappy”

One of his Rudy’s former teammates places the blame squarely on the shoulders of Hollywood. He says that by making a full-length feature film out of Rudy’s life, they created a monster.

“If I here the name ‘Rudy’one more time, I’m going to shoot someone,” said Roy Boynton, linebacker for the ‘70 team. “Talk about blowing something out of proportion. He runs on the field for one play, maybe 20 people in the crowd are chanting his name because they feel sorry for him, and that was it. It was nice, but that’s about it. It wasn’t like he found the cure for polio or something. Not to mention the kid was a little prick.”

Several of Rudy’s teammates make mention of the fact that he was not the lovable, spunky, kind-hearted boy that the movie portrays. One man, who asked not to be identified, even went so far as to refer to Rudy as an “insufferable asshole.”

“Everybody thinks he was such a sweetheart,” said the unidentified teammate. “But in reality, he was a sneaky, smug, self centered little jerk. It was always about him, and how much he wanted to play for Notre Dame. Did you know he once put rat poison in my water to keep me out of a game? He wanted his chance to play. Of course, I’d be rushed to the hospital and die, but as long as Rudy got to live out his little dream nobody would care.”

When reached for comment, Rudy Ruettiger denied his teammates accusations, accusing them in turn of being jealous at his success.

“They’ve always been a little jealous of me because I’m an inspiration to so many Americans,” said Rudy. “I am the symbol of that never-say-die, can do attitude that screenwriters love. I’m earnest and sincere and never gave up hope in achieving my simple little dream: To run on the field at Notre Dame and have a movie written about my life and become a national folk hero.”

Rudy went on to say that he is planning even more Rudy-themed ventures, including a Rudy Saturday morning cartoon, a Rudy album featuring duets with popular stars like 50 cent and Justin Timberlake, and even a Rudy reality TV show.

“The reality TV show is something I’m really looking forward to,” said Rudy. “I haven’t pitched it to any networks yet, but it’s a can’t miss proposition. It’ll just be me going through my daily life and encountering various travails and difficulties along the way. That way America can see first hand how I attack the little dilemmas of day to day life with my trademark earnestness, persistence, and determination. Actually, it really is trademarked. So don’t repeat that.”