NBA To Ruin Playoffs Even More In Attempt To Increase Ratings

NEW YORK--The NBA Finals experienced record low television ratings this season as a result of a less than stellar match-up, low scoring contests, and sub par broadcasts that annoyed more fans then they attracted. As a result, the league is tweaking the format and adding more horrifying bells and whistles in an attempt to increase ratings.

For the NBA, ruining everything is the secret to keeping the league profitable.

“I’ll be the first to admit that we were disappointed with the low ratings for this year’s finals,” commissioner David Stern said Monday. “I think our biggest problem is that the playoffs are not stretched out over a long enough period of time. Also, there are not enough crazy camera angles during the broadcasts. People want crazy camera angles. They want screaming PA announcers, too, and louder music and more strobe lights. I mean if you can’t attract fans by shitting all over the game, how else can you attract them?”

Stern then went into more detail about the changes fans will see during next year’s playoffs.

“Specifically, we’re going to stretch the playoffs out over three months, so they end sometime in July,” said Stern. “That way fans can really savor them instead of viewing them as some sort of tense, action packed thrill ride like March Madness, which nobody cares about. In addition, we’re going to have hot pop stars performing during the games so the viewers will have something to entertain themselves. The one thing we’re going to keep the same, however, is the seeding format. Like I always say: if it’s broke, don’t fix it.”

The broadcast will also feature a new “floor cam,” which will give viewers unprecedented access to the players’ feet and ankles, and a slew of on-screen graphics that will completely obscure what’s taking place in the actual game.

In addition, on-screen TV show trailers, a viewer favorite, will become more and more prevalent.

“We’re exploring so many different, interesting ways to make the game of basketball completely unrecognizable,” said ABC Sports producer Sharon Golden. “Floor cam is my favorite. It will be the closest viewers have ever come to the action on the floor. It will be just like having your face stepped on by the players! You won’t be able to see what’s going on, but who cares when you have access like that?”

“And we’re doing a lot of work with the on-screen TV show trailers,” she continued. “How many times have you been watching a game and wondering what time Desperate Housewives is on? Well, we’ll have the cast of that show, and many other shows, popping up and marching across your screen repeatedly all game long. Once the viewers realize how much contempt we have for them, they’ll start tuning in droves.”

The teams themselves will also contribute to the overhaul by improving the atmosphere in the arenas.

“It’s a lot easier for us to spice up the coverage if the teams do their part,” Golden said. “For instance, that psychotic PA announcer in Cleveland is great, but there’s not enough of him. He needs to be screaming at the top of his lungs for the entire game. And we need more smoke machines during pre-game introductions, because if it doesn’t look and sound like a Spinal Tap concert, it just isn’t worth watching.”

Despite the low ratings this year, Stern does not believe the league is in crisis. He points to the rise of the internet and other alternative forms of media as reasons why TV ratings have suffered.

“It’s a different world we live in,” he said. “While we want to improve our ratings we also understand that they may never reach the levels of 20 years ago because there are so many more mediums now. For instance, we have a HUGE presence on the internet. There are millions of blogs and message boards that revolve around the NBA. So even if our fans aren’t actually watching the product, at least they’re online talking about how much it sucks.”

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