SAN FRANCISCO--Frustrated with his team’s uninspired play and sub-500 record, San Francisco Giants GM Brian Sabean threatened to “clean house” if the team doesn’t show progress by the year 2011. The threat sent shockwaves through the clubhouse, where players and coaches know they have just 5 short years to turn things around.

“You can’t wait forever for a team to show you something,” Sabean said at a press conference. “At some point you have to shake things up. Everybody knows that it’s not my nature to rest on my laurels. That’s why I’m setting 2011 as the date when I reevaluate the roster. If there isn’t significant progress by then I’m going to start making some trades. Clock’s ticking, guys. Time to shit or get off the pot. It’s 5 years from now or never.”

The Giants are already one of the oldest teams in the league, which is why Sabean feels such a sense of urgency to start winning now.

“This is not a young team. Everybody knows that,” he said. “Clearly the window of opportunity won’t be open forever. I’ve already started scouting prospects for possible trades, and we definitely have some valuable assets here. By 2011, nobody – not even Randy Winn and Ray Durham – will be untouchable.”

Manager Felipe Alou called Sabean’s comments “a wake-up call.”

“Obviously the front office is tired of the lackadaisical play,” said Alou, in his 4th year as Giants manager. “The threat might seem harsh, but that’s how this business is. If you don’t win they replace you with somebody else. I am still optimistic, though. I won’t give in to negativity, not when Moises [Alou] and Jose Vizcaino are poised to have breakout seasons.”

Despite their poor record, the Giants still have a chance to compete in the NL West. They are currently tied for third place in the division with their main rivals, the Los Angeles Dodgers. The two teams are on starkly different paths however, with the Dodgers intent on stockpiling future prospects rather than riding their veterans into the ground.

“We’re taking a different path than the Giants, that’s for sure,” said GM Ned Colletti, himself a former member of the Giants front office. “Brian is the kind of guy who likes to stick with the status quo. He’s not about to throw a bunch of young kids out there and just hope for the best. He’s not about to throw young kids out there at all. Even his bat boy is 47 years old. Okay I was kidding about that one. He’s 37.”

Colletti did express some sympathy for Sabean for having to deal with the Barry Bonds saga that has dragged the team down during the past few years. Bonds is under contract with the Giants next year, but his future with the club remains cloudy.

“I feel for the guy. I certainly wouldn’t want that hanging over my head every day,” said Colletti. “Barry is just a big, slow, lumbering, miserable old guy whose bat speed has decreased so much he can barely get around on a hard slider. I think once they cut him loose things will start looking up. Don’t expect Brian to do that, though. He’s still holding out hope that Barry will revert back to being a fleet-footed, 40 stolen base guy before 2011.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.