NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ--Rutgers coach Greg Schiano, who led the Scarlet Knights to an unlikely 11-2 record last season, has been awarded with a four-year contract extension and a pay increase of about $500,000 per year. The deal locks up Schiano through 2016, or until he receives a better offer from a more glamorous program.

“We consider it an honor to give Greg this contract extension,” said Rutgers AD Robert E Mulcahy III. “We’re just hoping that he sticks around for the duration of it. That’s unlikely, of course, because some other team is going to come along and snatch him up, which means we’re basically no better off than we were before we gave him the extension, except we’re paying him an extra $500,000 a year now. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this is a great day for Rutgers football.”

Schiano, who was hired in 2000, elevated Rutgers from one of the nation’s worst programs to a Top 10 team last year, leading them to their first bowl appearance in 27 years. As a result, he was a top candidate to replace Larry Coker in Miami, but withdrew his name from consideration in December.

For his part, Schiano says he’s “thrilled” to receive another four-year commitment from Rutgers.

“Wow, thanks! That’s terrific!” said Schiano, upon hearing the news. “It’s great to be locked up until 2016. That allows me to focus on coaching and not think about my contract situation, which is a huge relief. And don’t think I’m going to be jumping ship at the first offer from another school, either. I won't. Nothing will make leave, except maybe another offer from Miami. You know, one that doesn’t insult me, Donna Shalala? Jesus, just because I’m from Rutgers doesn’t mean you can pay me like a Mexican day laborer.”

Schiano’s former Big East colleague, Bobby Petrino, was awarded a 10-year contract extension by Louisville in July of 2006. In January 2007, he left the school to take a job coaching the Atlanta Falcons. Many at Rutgers, including Mulcahy himself, fear that Schiano will do the same.

“Look, this is a business, and everybody is out for themselves,” he said. “Obviously Greg is going to bolt this place if he has the opportunity. Does it bother me? Yes. Can I do anything about it? No. You just have to play the game, and in this case, ‘the game’ means giving the guy a big extension. That way, if he does decide to take off, we can say we did our best to keep him around. If he stays, we have to pay him around $14 million. I’ll be honest with you. We don’t have anywhere near that kind of money. We’re just assuming he’ll be gone after next year.”

Schiano says he has no plans to leave next year or the year after that, but stopped short of a commitment to honor his contract forever. In fact, he believes he has “every right” to pursue other opportunities if he can.

“Look, I’ve already done a lot for this school,” he said. “I should be thanked even if I do decide to accept another opportunity. You come to a school, you turn it around, you leave it in powerhouse shape, and you’re a villain? I don’t think so. When I leave this place, it better be on the shoulders of cheering fans. That being said, I am committed to this university for as long as they’ll have me.”

Since Schiano is considered one of the brightest young minds in the game, there’s no doubt he will be contacted by other teams this year. Some of them are already keeping tabs on him, according to sources.

One Big East source called him “the hottest coach in the country.”

“This guy is on fire,” he said. “Everybody wants him. He won’t be at Rutgers much longer. Look at Urban Meyer, Bobby Petrino, and Nick Saban. Did you expect them to stay put? Or how about Rich Rodriguez? You think he’s going to retire at West Virginia? They guy was halfway to Tuscaloosa last year when his deal fell through. That’s the cool thing about being a college football coach. You get to hop from job to job until you reach the pinnacle, then go to the NFL, then have your ass handed to you in a million different ways, then return to college and sucker some other team out of $10 million. I wish I was a coach, instead of a boring old anonymous source. ”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.