MEMPHIS--The Memphis Grizzlies and Charlotte Bobcats, two teams in the running to secure Greg Oden, the top pick in next year’s draft, battled to a scoreless tie on Monday night in Memphis. Throughout the game, both teams steadfastly refused to win, with the only shots coming when players took aim at their own baskets.

After three uneventful overtime periods, referees finally put a stop to the game, allowing each team to maintain their position in the Oden sweepstakes.

“Well that was a knock down, drag out battle if I ever saw one,” said Grizzlies coach Tony Barone, whose team is currently in last place in the Southwest division. “Both teams just refused to back down. That’s what happens when you’re both competing for the same thing. It becomes a slugfest. That being said, I’ve never been a part of a scoreless tie before. It’s kind of a weird feeling, especially since we were actually trying to win in that first quarter.”

Among the game’s highlights was an attempted two-handed windmill dunk on his own basket by Rudy Gay that was blocked by the Bobcats Sean May; the entire Bobcats starting five feigning injury in the second quarter; Tony Barone attempting to insert himself into the lineup for the second half; and all ten players standing motionless on the floor for the duration of the third overtime period.

“It was a matter of who wanted it the most,” said May. “Neither team would give an inch. When I saw Rudy elevating for that dunk, I just planted my feet, timed it perfectly, and swatted it away into the stands. Then, the next time the Grizzlies had the ball, Chucky Atkins tried to throw it out of bounds on purpose, and I dove into the stands and knocked it back in. Yea! Not today, bitches! Anyway, that was the highlight of my career.”

With the game scoreless late in the third quarter, referees began to suspect something was amiss, and ordered both coaches to “start playing” or face disciplinary action from the league.

“At first I thought it was just a low scoring, defensive struggle,” said referee Mark Wunderlich. “But when the third quarter rolled around and it was still scoreless, me and the other officials determined there was something amiss. That’s when realized that both these teams are in the Greg Oden sweepstakes and are looking to increase their chances of getting the top pick. Well, we told both teams to start hitting some shots or else. They didn’t listen, though. In fact, the Bobcats openly defied us by repeatedly feeding the ball to Adam Morrison.”

The 19-year-old Oden is considered by many to be the best young center since Shaquille O’Neal. Though he is only in his freshman year at Ohio State, he is expected to leave school early and enter the 2007 draft. The Grizzlies, Bobcats, and Philadelphia 76ers are the front runners to land him, and will stop at nothing to give themselves and edge over the competition.

“The NBA draft is a lottery, and in order to win that lottery, it helps to have the worst record in the NBA,” said Bobcats coach Bernie Bickerstaff. “So when we’re going up against one of our main competitors, we have to bring our ‘A’ game. Or ‘F’ game, depending on how you look at it. Not that it matters. Even when we try to win, we usually lose. At least this way we can spare ourselves the indignity of making an effort.”

The league is currently viewing tapes of the game to determine if any fines should be levied against the coaches. According to commissioner Stern, the fines will come and they could be severe.

“Both of these organizations will be subjected to fines,” Stern said in a conference call today. “Anytime you're losing on purpose to secure a draft pick, you’re making a mockery of the NBA, especially if you’re a glorified expansion team like the Bobcats or the Grizzlies. I don’t even know where the Grizzlies are anymore. I lost track after they left Vancouver. And the Bobcats? New Orleans, right? Charlotte? Yes! Got it on the second try. Anyway, if either one of these two teams wins the lottery, I have one piece of advice for Mr. Oden: Stay at Ohio State. You’ll be on a better team and make at least half as much money.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.