Seattle Players Stayed Sober All Week For Nothing

DETROIT--In order to be properly focused for their Super Bowl matchup with the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Seattle Seahawks spent the entire week studying film, practicing, avoiding parties, and going to bed early. Unfortunately, they lost the game anyway. Now some Seahawk players are starting to regret staying sober all week for nothing.

“Well that was a waste of frigging time,” said lineman Steve Hutchinson, who didn’t touch one drop of booze during his entire stay in Detroit. “I really thought that if we treated this whole thing like a business trip that it would help us during the game. A lot of good that did us. Maybe next time we should treat it like the goddamn Super Bowl and get shitfaced like everybody else. At least then we’d have a few good memories to take from all this. Or better yet, no memories at all.”

Wide receiver Darrell Jackson expressed similar regrets in the locker room after the game.

“I really wish we could have executed better on offense,” Jackson told reporters. “But more than that, I wish I didn’t bother staying sober all week. I didn’t have an ounce of fun. The only thing I’m taking from this whole experience, the only thing that’s going to stick with me, is the chilling sound of Matt Hasselbeck audibling the game away as the clock ran down in the first half. Ironically, the best way to dull that pain is to dive head first into this here bottle of Jagermeister. Anybody want a pull?”

According to many Seattle players, coach Mike Holmgren warned them ahead of time “not to get caught up in all the hype and festivities” of Super Bowl week, and to take a businesslike approach to the trip. He assured his players that the Super Bowl was just another game, and not an excuse to go to parties and drink alcohol. Surprisingly, most of his players bought into that theory.

“It made a lot of sense to me when I heard it,” said cornerback Marcus Trufant. “I mean, you definitely want to win the game. But in retrospect I think we made the wrong decision to stay sober and avoid hookers and drugs and stuff. It was very difficult to resist all that, and to think that we did it all for nothing is pretty painful. Thanks a lot, coach Holmgren, for the great advice. I guess they won’t be naming any streets after him in Seattle.”

Seattle’s decision to lay low during Super Bowl week is not unique. In fact, most teams in the modern era strive to avoid distractions and stay focused on the task of winning the game. That’s a far cry from the earlier days of the Super Bowl, when players openly engaged in drinking, drugs, and prostitutes.

Some old-time players accuse their modern counterparts of taking the game “a little too seriously.”

“These modern players are so frigging uptight,” said former Washington Redskin John Riggins, who played in Super Bowls XVII and XVIII. “It’s just a game. It’s supposed to be fun. In my day, when a defender tackled you, you were practically knocked out by the smell of booze on his breath. Now you might smell a protein shake or an energy drink. See, If I needed some energy, I’d swill some black coffee on the sidelines or maybe even hide behind the bench and do a little toot. Yes, that’s right. I did stuff like that. See, I’m a football player, not an air traffic controller.”

Though his team lost, Mike Holmgren is still convinced he did the right thing by advising his players to avoid excessive partying during Super Bowl week. If the Seahawks are lucky enough to make a return trip next year, he will use the same strategy.

“I’m a big believer in being relaxed and focused before the Super Bowl,” Holmgren said on Monday. “I think it gives you an edge. Sure, it didn’t work out for us on Sunday but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision to make. The thing is, if you’re out drinking every night during the week, it is inevitably going to make you less reliable and less steady when you take the field on Sunday. It’s obvious. Just ask the referees.”