Security Breach Allows Jeff Garcia To Run Onto Field During Game

DETROIT- MI--Security officials at Ford Field in Detroit were under fire Sunday for allowing Jeff Garcia to run onto the field during a game. The aging, ineffective quarterback participated in every one of the Lions possessions and ended up costing them the game with a late interception. The team's head of security promised a full scale investigation.

“We will review our security procedures and see exactly what broke down to allow this to happen,” said Harold Simms, Lions head of security. “We have multiple measures in place to ensure that folks can’t just run on the field whenever they want. In this day and age, you never know what kind of freak you’re gonna have out there. Sure, many times it’s just some harmless drunk trying to get on TV, but every once in a while you get someone truly dangerous, like Jeff Garcia.”

Bystanders were shocked at how easily Garcia was able circumvent security and get onto the field. Owner Bill Ford was seen leaping out of his seat and pointing frantically, but to no avail. Ford later called the security breach “inexcusable.”

“All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I look up and see Jeff Garcia running onto the field,” Ford told reporters. “He was completely untouched by security. I jumped up and screamed ‘Nooooo! Stop him!’ but nobody listened. The guards were just standing there chit-chatting. How can something like this happen? I don’t even feel safe at my own stadium anymore.”

Ford said he is considering placing armed militiamen and attack dogs on the sidelines to prevent unwanted guests from marauding onto the field.

“I think, out of an abundance of caution, that we should enact these newer, more severe security measures,” he said. “Granted, I don’t want the place to be some kind of fortress, but you have to think about the safety of your players and coaches. If we had pit bulls and militiamen patrolling the sidelines on Sunday, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Jeff Garcia would’ve been shot dead and cut to ribbons before he could hurt anybody.”

On Monday, the commissioner’s office sought assurances from the Lions that security measures at Ford Field were adequate. Paul Tagliabue offered to work with the Lions, and any other NFL team, to help increase security and guarantee the safety of all players, coaches, and fans.

“Obviously an incident like the one we had at Ford Field is regrettable,” Tagliabue said on Monday. “It’s very disturbing to see someone, especially Jeff Garcia, run past security guards and gain access to the field of play. It’s unfortunate that he was able to take some snaps and ruin the game for a lot of people. I, like you, thought I had seen the last of Mr. Garcia when he was cut by the Cleveland Browns.”

Lions players were less surprised by Garcia’s appearance, especially since he was named starting quarterback last week. Still, it was a little jarring for some to see him running towards the huddle.

“When I first saw him coming out, I was like ‘Holy shit, someone call security!’” said receiver Roy Williams. “But then I remembered this is our new starting quarterback. He was put in last week in place of Joey Harrington. It’s still a little unnerving to see him coming on the field, but I have to keep reminding myself that he can’t hurt me and I’m totally safe, as long as Joey doesn’t come back.”

Coach Steve Mariucci apologized on Tuesday for the incident, saying that he should have cleared the matter with security before allowing Garcia to rush the field.

“Jeff is our starting quarterback. I know it’s hard for a lot of people to believe, but that’s the way it is,” said Mariucci. “Next week I’ll make sure I alert security that he’s had permission to come onto the field. Actually, next week I’ve also got to inform them about Charles Rogers. He’s coming back from a drug suspension. If there really are attack dogs out there, things could get pretty ugly.”