Selig: Winner Of This Year’s Home Run Derby To Be Suspended Indefinitely

DETROIT --Bud Selig is sending a message to all would-be cheaters in major league baseball: Don’t even think about it. As part of his new zero-tolerance policy for steroids, Selig has announced that the winner of this year’s home run derby will be suspended indefinitely.

“We cannot tolerate steroid use in our game,” Selig told reporters Monday. “Not only is it a threat to the health of our players, it is a threat to the integrity of major league baseball. The days of balls being crushed out of the ballpark in record numbers by juiced up super men are over. If history has taught us anything, it’s that home run hitters are lying, cheating scumbags. Therefore, the winner of this year’s home run derby will be suspended indefinitely.”

Selig has been under pressure lately from congress, which is calling for baseball to comply with international drug testing standards. He admitted that the latest effort is an attempt to placate the government.

“Our government has made it absolutely clear that they want steroids eradicated from sports,” he said. “I am willing to comply with that demand. I’m more than willing. I’ve been kowtowing to them for the past year. I’m their little bitch. Seriously, if this doesn’t satisfy them, I may have to start giving hand jobs.”

Selig’s decision may put a damper on the home run derby. Some players are already considering dropping out now that there’s no motivation to actually win.

“Gee, that sort of takes the fun out of it,” said the Orioles’ Miguel Tejada. “Last year I had a great time hitting as many home runs as possible. I just love to give the fans a good show, you know? But now I’m afraid to go out there and swing away because everyone will think I’m on steroids. I can’t afford to get suspended indefinitely. My team is really going to need me in the second half when they start to tank.”

By contrast, some players are happy to see Selig cracking down on home run hitting, like the Cardinals’ David Eckstein, who is thrilled to see “small ball” making a comeback.

“I, for one, think it’s high time the commissioner instituted a steroid policy with some teeth,” said Eckstein. “It’s time for the game to get back to its roots. It wasn’t always about huge players blasting home runs out into the street. People need to learn to appreciate the merit of bunting and sacrificing, as well as the hair-raising adrenaline rush of situational hitting. You have not lived until you have witnessed a perfectly executed hit and run, with the runner sliding in safely at second base and the batter being thrown out at first. See? Drugs have no place in baseball, unless you’re a fan and you have to sit through it.”

Selig’s decision to suspend the winner of the home run derby was protested by the players union. Donald Fehr called it “unfair” and “draconian” and accused Selig of overreacting to the problem.

“Selig has gone too far now. This really is getting out of hand,” Fehr said. “What’s the point of even having a home run derby if you’re going to suspend the winner? Sure, steroids are a problem, but these unfair measures are not the answer. In fact, they’re downright draconian, or 'really harsh and unreasonable.' See, Draconia was an ancient Roman emperor who used to cut people’s tongues out and boil them in oil just for stealing a loaf of bread. Hence the term 'draconian.' OK, I made all that up. I have no idea what it means.”

Draconian or not, Selig is going ahead with his plan. With the US congress behind him, there is little that Fehr and the players union can do. When asked why he didn’t just cancel the derby altogether, Selig had this to say:

“The home run derby is a cherished baseball tradition dating back to the 1950’s. We will not cancel this tradition because a few cheaters want to tarnish our national pastime. The home run derby will go on, but the winner--that cheating, steroid-injecting fraud--will get the punishment he deserves. The integrity of our game is in question here, people. Trust me, you don’t want the House Subcommittee on Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection coming after you, man. Those people will fuck you up and then go after your family.”