OAKLAND--Defensive end Richard Seymour has been impressed with his new team so far, but one question continues to dog him as he tries to familiarize himself with the Oakland Raiders organization: why doesn't the team's facility have a film room?

Seymour asked the question in front of a group of reporters after Tuesday's practice.

“I’ve been impressed so far with the Raiders, but I have to wonder: why in the hell don’t they have a film room?” Seymour asked yesterday. “I mean, I’ve been here two weeks now and we haven’t watched one piece of game film of ourselves or our opponents. Then I asked coach Cable about it in our last meeting, and he was like, ‘Film room? This isn’t a Saturday afternoon matinee. This is football!’ Then everybody in the room cheered and started chanting his name.”

According to Seymour, the Raiders eschew practices such as studying film and analyzing opponents’ tendencies and instead focus on the fundamentals of football. As coach Cable said, “It doesn’t matter who we’re playing. Football is football. You gotta block, tackle, and score points.”

While Seymour agrees with his philosophy, he admits it may be a little lacking.

“You can’t argue with his logic,” Seymour said. “It is all about blocking, tackling and scoring points. But that might be oversimplifying things a bit. You really do need to familiarize yourself with your opponents tendencies and schemes. And you also need to be able to evaluate your own performance. Take JaMarcus Russell, for example. If he saw game tape of himself he would be able to correct some of his mechanical flaws, in between devouring handfuls of donettes.”

Russell would be the main beneficiary of film watching, said Seymour.

“JaMarcus throws into coverage all the time. That’s because he doesn’t know what the defenders are going to do because he doesn’t know their tendencies. Good quarterbacks do their homework. Right now the only homework JaMarcus does is to look at the opponents' won-loss record and decide how afraid he needs to be.”

In an effort to prepare himself for games, Seymour has taken to watching taped broadcasts of his opponents’ games on the NFL Network and taking notes. He then shares those notes with his teammates, many of whom simply laugh him off.

“Oh, Richard and his stupid notes,” laughed defensive tackle Tommy Kelly. “He’s so funny. He’s always like ‘Look, the Broncos like to spread the field on first down, and this team likes to use their tight ends a lot and blah blah blah.’ Who cares? Just play football. If I wanted to study I would go back to college. Actually no, I would go back to college if I wanted someone else to study for me.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

/p>