Shaq Hates Kobe Again After Seeing New Nike Commercial

MIAMI--The long-awaited reconciliation between Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant appears to have been short lived, as O’Neal is again yearning to pummel his former teammate beyond recognition. The reason? Bryant’s new Nike commercial.

According to Shaq, if he sees the commercial one more time, he’s going to put his foot through the TV screen.

“Just when I was starting to tolerate Kobe again, Nike comes along and makes this goddamn melodramatic piece of shit that just enrages me all over again,” Shaq told reporters at his locker today. “’Hate my hunger, hate my game, hate my swagger.’ I tell you what I hate: the fact that he falsely accused me of paying hush money to groupies. Hello? I didn’t hear that mentioned in the commercial. Kobe, a lot of people hate you, and it’s not because of your swagger.”

Shaq then drew comparisons between the new Kobe commercials and the old ones.

“Remember the old days when Kobe was the swell guy in the Sprite commercials playing basketball with little kids?” he asked. “What happened to that Kobe? I guess being accused of sexual assault on a teenage girl turns you into kind of a bad boy. Oooh, I’m real scared. I just hate Kobe’s hunger sooo much. He’s such a rebel! That is, if you consider it rebellious to whore yourself to a billion dollar corporation that owns half the world. Real subversive, asshole.”

In the new ad, Kobe is shown shooting free throws, pumping iron, and glaring menacingly at the camera, while his voice narrates the following: "Love me or hate me, it's one or the other. Always has been. Hate my game, my swagger. Hate my fadeaway, my hunger. Hate that I'm a veteran. A champion. Hate that. Hate it with all your heart. And hate that I'm loved, for the exact same reasons."

“He’s right about being hated,” Shaq continued. “I know a lot of people who hate him. That commercial is not helping. Nice tattoo, by the way. Did you get that before or after your little incident in Eagle, Colorado? Man, I’m sorry I shook hands with that guy. I should’ve just skipped the handshake and crammed one of my oversized Reeboks up his ass. Come to think of it, that would make a pretty good Reebok commercial.”

After Bryant was accused of rape last year, many thought his endorsement career was finished. However, the charges were eventually dropped and Bryant’s public image has started to improve.

According to Nike executives, the new spot is a way to reintroduce Bryant as a pitchman as well as to address his many critics.

“With these ads, we’re saying ‘Yes, Kobe’s back, and he doesn’t care what anybody thinks,’” said Nike marketing director Rodney Knox. “He’s got tattoos now, he likes to pump iron in the gym, he’s hated and loved with equal fervor – he’s kind of an anti-hero. Who cares if Shaq hates him? We want people to hate Kobe. Hell, even I hate Kobe. But it’s all good because he doesn’t even care. And he had the balls to say it, too, when he read those pre-scripted lines that were written for him by some chick in marketing.”

Knox also boasted about the appearance and the style of the commercial.

“Obviously this ad is a little rough around the edges, but that’s the way we want it. Look, if you want pretty, polished ads go watch a McDonald’s commercial. This is a stripped-down, grainy home video that wants only to present Kobe Bryant for who he really is: a creepy weirdo.”

If Shaquille O’Neal’s response is any indication, the ads may already be working.

“I really do hate him now. I suppose that’s the point of the ads,” Shaq said. “They want you to hate him, they’re daring you to hate him, so I guess I’m giving them exactly what they want. You win, Nike. You’ve actually managed to make Kobe Bryant more irritating than he already was. I didn’t think that was possible. I guess these guys are marketing geniuses, after all.”