Mike Sherman Threatens To Crack Some Skulls If Team Doesn’t Shape Up

GREEN BAY, WI--Mike Sherman has put the Green Bay Packers on notice. The fiery, tough-as-nail coach berated his team after their loss to Tampa Bay and vowed to “crack some skulls” if they didn’t shape up. The vicious diatribe left Packers players cowering in fear.

“Listen up, you faggots,” Sherman began. “If you don’t shape up, I swear to God I will crack all of your skulls with my bare hands. I will destroy your life. I will devour your soul. You think I’m kidding? Try me. I didn’t come to this team to lose. I came here to win, and anyone who stands in my way will pay the price.”

Sherman then alarmed his team by physically assaulting one of the players.

“What the hell is so funny?” he screamed at linebacker Nick Barnett, while delivering a vicious backhand across his face. “You think this is a joke?” He then dug his finger into Barnett’s neck and forced him to the ground, where the weeping linebacker pleaded for mercy. “What? You want me to let go? Does this hurt?” Sherman asked as he dug his finger in even more. “You don’t ask me to let go! You thank me! You thank me for the discipline, damn it, and I’ll let go when I damn well please! What? What did you say? I don’t give a shit if you can’t breathe! You can drop dead for all I care. Go ahead, that’s right, keep turning purple. When you wake up—if you wake up—maybe you’ll have grown a pair of balls.”

The Packers 0-3 start has the team in full fledged panic mode. One more loss could signal the end of their playoff hopes. Nobody wants that, not with Mike Sherman on the warpath.

“Oh, man, this is just what we need,” said fullback Najeh Davenport. “It’s bad enough that we’re losing, but now we’ve got the added pressure of having coach Sherman pissed off. When he gets like this, watch out. He just has that way of looking at you that makes you feel about this big. Those wild eyes, when they’re looking down on you, they can see right into your soul. I only wonder what’s going to happen if we lose again next week. I mean, when we lose again next week.”

Even veteran quarterback Brett Favre is on edge after Sherman’s outburst. Favre has a good relationship with Sherman, but that doesn’t mean he feels safe from the chopping block.

“You think I feel safe because I’m Brett Favre? Please. I feel just like any of the other guys,” Favre said. “One thing coach Sherman never does is play favorites. I’ve seen him get like this a few times before. I’ve seen him make some guys cry. I even saw him put a guy in the hospital by forcing him to do 300 push ups in the middle of a snowstorm. It was our general manager, Ted Thompson. Poor guy almost dropped dead right there. ”

Favre did praise his coach for his ability to motivate people through fear and intimidation.

“He’s great for that kind of thing. I honestly think he’s the right guy to help us turn this thing around. Coach Sherman is fearless. He’s not afraid of anyone. He even stood up to Najeh Davenport. The last person to screw with him ended up with a pile of shit in their laundry basket.”

Coach Sherman has complete faith in his methods. Regardless of how much controversy he generates, he doesn’t plan to change anytime soon.

“I know a lot of people have an issue with my style, but I just feel it’s the best way to get people to perform at a high level,” Sherman told reporters yesterday at practice. “My guys know that they are accountable for their actions. They know that if they make mistakes they might get a boot in the ass or maybe a forearm shiver to the side of the head, something to get their attention. What else can I do, stand there passively on the sidelines with a pained, confused look on my face while my team is getting their asses handed to them? That’s not affective coaching. That’s pathetic.”