Belichick Promises To Acquire Signs Via Intimidation In Future

FOXBORO--Patriots coach Bill Belichick apologized to the league today for using videotape to steal signs from the New York Jets and promised that, in the future, he would acquire the signs via threats and intimidation.

“I want to apologize to the league for my misinterpretation of the rules regarding sign-stealing,” Belichick said in a press conference today. “I will no longer use video tape to steal signs from opposing teams, but instead will acquire them through threats and intimidation. So any of our upcoming opponents should be prepared to give us their signs before the game. Anybody who doesn’t want to give us their signs will face some serious consequences, most notably us videotaping them with tiny little cameras that nobody can see. Checkmate!”

Though Belichick did issue an apology, he didn’t show much remorse for his actions.

“Hey I did what I did. I’m not going to get all teary-eyed and give one of those Jesus-is-my-savior speeches,” he said. “I was just trying to win football games. I’m still going to do that, but I’m going to do it in within the rules because apparently watching tape of your opponent is against the rules now. I’ll be filing grievances against every other team in the league for that.”

Chargers coach Norv Turner confirmed that he has received a note from someone in the New England Patriots front office demanding he turn over his defensive signals .

“Yea I have a note here,” Turner said. “It says ‘Have the offensive and defensive signs in our hands by Saturday’ and then there’s a P.O. Box number and that’s it. First of all, I don’t have time to write down a detailed description of all our signs. Secondly, they didn’t even put a city or state with this P.O. Box. If they want our signs, they’re going to have to at least provide a functional return address that we can send them to.”

Belichick also sent a personal letter of apology to Jets coach Eric Mangini, which Mangini read aloud at a press conference today:

“Dear Eric - Sorry for stealing your signs. You should be flattered that anybody even wants your signs, you enormous pussy. Have fun finishing behind the Bills. Sincerely, B.B.’”

“Well that was actually more courteous than I expected,” Mangini continued. “The fact that he wrote ‘sincerely’ and addressed me by my first name were nice touches. Plus he didn’t include any white powdered substance in the envelope. I think the old goat is softening up a bit.”

Commissioner Roger Goodell has yet to hand down a punishment to the Patriots for their illegal acts. However, he is expected to dock them at least one draft pick.

As far as his new “intimidation” strategy, Goodell says there is little the league can do.

“We can’t really police private communications between coaches,” Goodell said. “If some coach agrees to give Belichick his signals, that’s his problem. Personally, I would develop an entire fake set of signs to give to Belichick before games. You could make it completely opposite than your actual signals, which would be a lot of trouble, but totally worth it to see him game planning for offense when you’re actually on defense.”

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