CAMDEN, NJ--A crew of cameramen, reporters, and producers from ESPN rushed to Wesley Southern High School in New Jersey on Monday to collect information regarding an alleged slam dunk that occurred during a high school basketball game. The crew hoped to attain video of the rare feat and air it on that evening's Sportscenter.

“When we heard there was a slam dunk, we dropped everything and hopped in the van,” said Sportscenter producer Stacy Kielman. “Apparently it was a two-handed windmill dunk, which is extremely rare. There’s nothing more exhilarating then watching a teenager dunk a basketball. Nothing. It’s like porn for us, but better, because you don't have to fast forward to the good part, and there's less cleaning up to do afterward.”

ESPN officials arrived just as the game ended and immediately began questioning attendees about the dunk.

“What quarter was it in? What was the name of the kid who did it? Can you get me his number?” Kielman was seen asking a 14-year-old student. “Did any of you take pictures of the game? Video? No? Jesus, how can you not bring a camera phone to a high school basketball game? You could be a witness to history at any moment. Look! There’s somebody doing a slam dunk! Oh, no, he’s just throwing something away. He looked good doing it, though. Did we get a shot of that?”

One 16-year-old girl, who was present at the game, described the dunk as “pretty cool.”

“Yea, it was pretty cool,” said Tamara Jenkins. “He stole the ball and then went on a fast break and then jumped in the air, and you know what happened next: He put the ball in the hoop. It was exciting, but not that exciting. I think at this point I’ve seen every dunk there is, but those people at ESPN sure seemed jazzed up about it. I guess they’re a little out of touch. They are the same network that thinks people want to see John Clayton and Sean Salisbury fake-fight over Rex Grossman’s QB rating.”

After doing some investigating, Kielman and her crew discovered the school principal had filmed the entire game and had a copy of the tape in his car. The principal handed the tape over the Kielman after she promised to give it right back. However, she hopped in the back of the van and sped away instead.

Inside the van, the crew watched footage of the dunk for the first time.

“Stop here. Here it is,” Kielman ordered the editor. “He makes the steal. He’s breaking away. Oh my God, here it comes. Yes! Two points! Not in my house, Holy Trinity Prep! Holy shit, that was awesome. I need a cigarette. Wait till we show this to America. Hello, Emmy award.”

At ESPN headquarters in Bristol, ESPN vice president of programming Craig Stanford paced nervously around his office. Sportscenter was due to tape in two hours, and they only nine dunks for the Top Ten Dunks of the day segment.

“Come one, guys. Give me some good news,” Stanford said, staring at his telephone. “We have to be on top of this stuff. We can’t let it slip by us. Slam dunks are a such a wonder to behold! Weeee! Off they go through the air! I never get tired of seeing that. In fact, if I was stuck on a desert island with just three things, they would be a tall black kid, a basketball, and a hoop. What else could one possibly need to survive? ”

In their mad rush to cover the slam dunk, ESPN neglected to cover other major stories, such as the death of Barbaro, but Stanford says that it’s all worthwhile.

“A lot of our resources are tied up in the slam dunk story right now,” said Stanford. “Yea, were neglecting the dead horse story, but who gives a shit? This thing could be big. Real big. So big, in fact, that it could make our Sportscenter opening montage. There’s nothing like hearing Duh-duh-duh! Duh-duh-duh! And then seeing some tattooed giant perform an uncontested jam. See, we give people what they want, over and over until they don’t want it anymore, and then we keep giving it to them anyway, and they keep watching, not because they care, but because they can’t reach the remote. And that’s the secret to our success: having viewers who are too comatose to change the channel.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.