LEE, TX--The residents of the small town of Lee, Texas enjoy attending high school football games on Friday nights as a pleasant form of relaxation after a long work week. They do not project all their hopes and dreams onto the players or live vicariously through them, and they don’t believe that “football is everything.” They don’t even care if the Lee High School Bulldogs win or lose, which is why Lee residents are being blasted across the country by sportswriters, TV executives, and sneaker companies.

“Football is everything, especially high school football,” said Nike marketing director Jim Beeman. “In Texas, it’s a religion. Ever see Friday Night Lights? It’s like that. Ever see our new Brisco High commercial? Yea, it’s like that, too. There’s nothing in life more important to small town people in Texas than high school football. Well, except for the people of Lee. To them it’s just a sport. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that it’s sweeping the nation, which is weird because we sent it out, like, two months ago.”

Beeman also criticized Lee residents for treating the players like regular kids instead of highly paid professional athletes.

“The way they treat the kids is an abomination,” said Beeman. “They don’t even obsess over them like weirdo perverts. What kind of message are they sending to these kids, that it’s more important to be well-adjusted and normal than to win football games? That sports should be held in the proper perspective? What a joke. What a bunch of dorks. And to think we were all set to build them a new, $50 million stadium and give them each a complimentary swoosh tattoo.”

The residents of Lee aren’t quite sure why they’re being singled out. They enjoy high school football and support their team just like anyone else. They just don’t see the need to treat it like it actually means something.

“I like football just fine. I go down to the field every Friday to sit in my lawn chair and watch the game,” said Bill Willforth, 56, whose son played wide receiver on the team a few years back. “I realize that elsewhere in Texas it’s sort of a religion, but we’ve never been like that. I mean it’s bad enough to be obsessed with NFL football, but high school? Get a grip, people. It’s just a bunch of zit faced teenagers running into each other. If you’re going to be obsessed with something, be obsessed with the cheerleaders. My God, what are they feeding 16-year-old girls these days?”

Ed Hasty, head coach of the Lee Bulldogs, is one of the most well respected men in town, despite the fact that his team has never won a championship and routinely finishes with a sub .500 record. Unlike most unsuccessful high school coaches in Texas, he’s never received one death threat.

“I’ve been here 25 years and it’s been a great 25 years,” said Hasty. “I wouldn’t change anything, even though the team basically stinks. There’s no pressure, no insane parents, no death threats - well, there was one death threat a long time ago, but that was because I drank a pint of whiskey and drove the team bus into a creek and abandoned the kids there and hitchhiked back to town and went to bed. But that was just an insolated incident. The other times it happened I didn’t receive any death threats.”

Despite Lee, Texas’ lethargic attitude towards high school football, ESPN is considering it as a candidate for its new reality show “Football is Everything.” The show will be similar to MTV’s hit “Two-A-Days,” which follows the lives of a high school football team in a small town in Alabama.

“Lee, Texas is really the ideal setting for our new show,” said ESPN producer Dave Magnus. “I’ve heard that they don’t take their high school football too seriously here, but that all will change when we roll into town with our TV cameras and our millions of dollars and we make everybody feel like movie stars. Well, not everybody. The kids who don’t play football can go jump in the reservoir and drown themselves for all I care. Sorry, but they don’t matter.”

When reached for comment about ESPN’s proposal, coach Hasty had this to say:

“Sorry, not interested. They can take their money and go elsewhere. How much is it anyway? Really? Holy shit. That would be enough to get me out of this jerkwater hellhole for good. Where do I sign?”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.