14-Year-Old Soccer Phenom Proves Soccer Really Isn’t All That Hard

WASHINGTON, DC--When Freddy Adu was signed by the DC United, he became the youngest person in over a century to play with an American professional sports team. The sensational kid from Ghana wowed scouts with his skills and maturity, but some still questioned whether he would be able to compete with older players. That question has already been answered, as Adu has made a seamless, effortless transition from precocious kid to seasoned pro, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that soccer really isn’t all that hard.

“All these years, I thought I was playing an incredibly difficult, high-skill game,” said Jaime Moreno, forward for the United. “I used to tell people how soccer was one of the most physically strenuous, mentally exhausting games in the world, and only the toughest, most disciplined athletes could compete in it. But now I realize I was wrong. If a 14 year old kid can do it, how hard can it be?”Opposing coach Dominic Kinnear echoed Moreno’s sentiments shortly after the game. Amid all the hype for the so-called child prodigy, Kinnear simply shook his head, wondering what all the fuss was about.

“Gimme a break. So the kid can kick a ball around and run up and down a field. So what? My four-year old daughter can do the same thing, and nobody’s bowing down at her feet,” he told reporters. “I tell my players all the time ‘Keep it simple. It’s only soccer. It’s not that hard.’ And this proves what I’ve been saying. No wonder why Americans hate it so much. The rest of the world must really have their heads up their asses.”

Of the four major sports in America—basketball, football, hockey, and baseball—none have ever featured a player under the age of 17. Wayne Gretzky was a well-known phenom at 16, but didn’t play his first professional game until age 18, probably because hockey is a man’s sport, and not suitable for a 14-year-old boy.

“I’ve heard a lot of comparisons to Gretzky, but come on, that’s just bullshit,” said Don Cherry, analyst for Hockey Night in Canada. “You won’t see a 14-year-old playing hockey, I can tell you that much. The biggest reason is that soccer really isn’t all that difficult. Just look at the goddamn net, for Christ’s sake. It’s huge! In hockey, you have to shoot into a tiny net with a huge goalie standing in front of it, while evil thugs are slashing at you with wooden sticks. Oh, and you’re on skates, too. Throw me on a soccer field, and I’ll show them how it’s done. Take the ball away from one of those pussies with the frilly hair, and go kick the fucking thing through the net. How hard can it be? Jesus, even a 14-year-old can do it.”

Though Adu’s arrival on the U.S. soccer scene has been greeted with widespread enthusiasm, some soccer officials have voiced concern about the impact a 14-year-old star will have on the sport’s credibility. With Major League Soccer struggling to gain mainstream acceptance in America, will Adu be a boon to the sport, or a detriment?

“Freddy’s great and all, but we’re trying to sell soccer as a blood-and-guts, high intensity sport who’s athletes are gritty warriors,” said one MLS general manager. “Now we’ve got some kid coming in, and he’s playing on the same level as some of the so-called greatest players in the world. I’m afraid the lid has been blown off our little charade. We can’t fake it anymore. Freddy Adu has blown our cover—soccer is for children and sissies.”

Even Adu himself is embarrassed by all the attention he’s getting. The youngster grew up playing soccer with his friends in the depressed rural village of Tema, Ghana, unaware that his skills would land him on a national stage with the world’s most accomplished players. To this day, Adu is surprised at just how easy soccer is to play.

“The thing that most appealed to me about soccer when I was growing up was how easy it was,” said Adu, after playing in his first professional game Saturday. “I remember asking my friend ‘Is that all you do? Kick the ball into that huge, oversized net?’ I couldn’t believe it.”

Adu has fond memories of his years in Ghana, but admits he didn’t spend nearly as much time honing his skills as people imagine. Most of his time was spent playing kick-the-can or hide-and-seek, since soccer was so simple and effortless.

“I didn’t spend a lot of time practicing my soccer game,” said Adu. “I mean, what’s there to practice? You just kick the ball around. Most of my friends were just as good, if not better, than me, so none of us really had any need to practice tirelessly. When the pro-scouts came to see us, we were surprised at their reaction. They thought we were amazingly good, and that’s when I realized that soccer is a piece of cake. In fact, there was an 8-year-old in my old neighborhood that could probably play on any professional team in the world. Hell, all you need is a little stamina and some cleats.”

But Adu still loves the game. He steadfastly maintains that soccer is the world’s number one competitive sport, and one day it will overtake basketball, hockey, baseball, and football as America’s most popular pastime. Unlike some observers, he believes that the simplicity of the game is its greatest strength, rather than its downfall.

“I know some people are afraid of soccer losing its credibility,” said Adu. “But I don’t see it that way. If people realize how painfully easy it is to play and excel at, they will be drawn to it. To many Americans, soccer is a mystery, and this scares them away. Once they realize it’s nothing more than running around, wearing high socks, and kicking a tiny ball into a huge net with one little person defending it, they will be more apt to give it a shot. It takes amazing skill to play most professional sports, but anyone can play soccer.”