Sammy Sosa Decides He May As Well Start Doing Steroids Again

WASHINGTON, DC --With his career in shambles and his reputation ruined, slugger Sammy Sosa has decided that he may as well start doing steroids again. Sosa is looking to sign with a new team this offseason and is reportedly hoping to “go out with a bang,” either by hitting another 60 home runs or testing positive for steroids and being embroiled in a national scandal. Either way, he doesn’t feel he has anything to lose.

“Eh, what the hell. I think I’m going to start juicing again,” said Sosa from his home in the Dominican Republic. “It’s not like I have anything to lose at this point. The best thing that could happen would be that I’d hit a whole bunch of home runs and become a superstar again, and the worst thing that could happen is I get caught. But that’s not so bad. At least I’d have my name in the papers again. I’d hate to end up like that weirdo shut-in, Mark McGwire.”

Sosa is hoping to catch on with the Washington Nationals, a team in desperate need of some offense. In his current physical shape, Sosa would be unable to provide that offense.

“I’m not the man I used to be when it comes to bulk and muscle,” Sosa said. “I’m much thinner, I’m weaker, and I’m more tired. Once I start my steroid cycles again I’ll be back to my old energetic self. You’ll see me hopping around, smiling, and waving to the crowd. The best thing, though, will be that I won’t have to cork my bat anymore. Talk about embarrassing. I can't believe I would ever stoop so low just to hit a few more home runs.”

Sosa’s agent, Tom Reich, has been spreading the word to major league ballclubs that his client is ready for a big comeback year.

“Sammy is feeling better than ever and he’s been spending his offseason working on his swing and getting his timing back,” said Reich. “Also, as you may have heard, Sammy is returning to his steroid days. That’s right, he’s back! He’ll be getting on a strict diet of tetrahydrogestinone, the crème, the clear, and whatever the hell else he can cram into his veins. It’s going to be a free for all! Any takers? OK, well I’ll give you a little time. I’m sure you’re all just mulling over how best to lock him up to a lifetime contract.”

Reich also said that Sosa is not concerned about getting caught thought the league’s tough new testing policy.

“Oooooh, there’s a new testing policy. We’re really scared. Tell me: What can you possibly do to my client that hasn’t already been done? Ruin his reputation? Done. Tarnish his legacy? Done. Humiliate him in front of the whole country? Done. Take away his livelihood? Done and done. He’s either going to go out like Mickey Mantle or Jose Canseco. Either way he should at least be able to parlay it into a lucrative TV career.”

Since Sosa’s announcement, several teams have expressed interest in acquiring his services. Most, however, are not willing to make a long term commitment, especially with his open admission that he is injecting illegal steroids.

Washington GM Jim Bowden had mixed feelings when told of Sosa’s bold announcement.

“I’m not sure how to react to that,” Bowden said. “On the one hand, it’s great to here that Sammy is going to get back to basics and start doing steroids again. That will surely make him a more potent offensive force. On the other hand, he’s being a little too open about it. What’s the point in signing a guy like that to a multi-year deal when there’s a good chance he’ll be suspended within the first year? That’s a pretty big risk. I think we’ll just stick with our original plan of not being very good next year.”