Red Sox Still Trying Desperately To Impress Bill Belichick

BOSTON--The Red Sox traded pitcher Bronson Arroyo to the Cincinnati Reds yesterday in a heartless manner eerily similar to that of Patriots coach Bill Belichick, a 3-time Super Bowl champion. Since winning the World Series in 2004, the Red Sox have systematically dismantled the beloved group in favor of younger, cheaper newcomers, all in a desperate attempt to impress the cold-hearted Belichick.

“We traded away Bronson Arroyo, even after we convinced him to sign a discounted deal with us on the premise that we would not trade him,” said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. “It’s pretty rough, but we did it for the good of the team. That’s why we do everything around here. We’re just like the Patriots in that respect. By the way, has anybody told Bill Belichick about this? I’m sure he would appreciate it. Let me know what he says about it, OK?”

The Red Sox also let fan favorite Johnny Damon go to the Yankees this offseason rather than pay him a penny more than his fair market value, taking a page right out of the Patriots playbook.

“Even though I wasn’t here at the time, I totally agreed with the Damon thing,” said Epstein. “We love Johnny, but you can’t overpay people in this business. Bill Belichick wouldn’t do that. Bill Belichick would make a low ball offer and tell the guy to take it or leave it. Then he would fill his roster spot with some cheap, middle-of-the-road free agent and go on to win another Super Bowl. That’s how you run a football team. It’s not how you run a baseball team, but that’s not going to stop us.”

Belichick and the Patriots have achieved unprecedented success by mastering the salary cap and dealing with their most productive and loyal players with a cold, frightening sense of detachment. The strategy has produced 3 Super Bowl victories.

On top of that, it’s totally cool and awesome how Belichick just doesn’t give a shit.

“Belichick is not sentimental. Belichick treats his players like livestock,” said Red Sox assistant GM Jed Hoyer, who gets a twinkle in his eye every time he mentions the Patriots head coach. “We’ve tried to emulate him, not out of any personal admiration, but simply because he's had so much success. We are like the baseball version of the Patriots, even though MLB and the NFL have wildly different economic structures and the same philosophies really don’t apply to both leagues.”

“What? What are you all looking at?" he continued. "Oh this? This is just my grey hooded sweatshirt. Yea it doesn’t fit very well, but I really don’t care about my appearance. I’m just here to win ball games. I don’t have time to worry about stuff like that.”

The Red Sox began trying to impress Belichick in 2004, when they traded away local icon Nomar Garciaparra for talented shortstop Orlando Cabrera, who played a key role in the team’s World Series victory and then left via free agency when the Red Sox refused to even making an offer.

Two years later, that World Series team is a distant memory, much like the Patriots 3 Super Bowl teams.

“There’s bound to be high turnover in baseball, just like football,” said Epstein. “You see it with the Patriots. They win Super Bowls and then basically get rid of anybody who costs too much, no matter how good they are. That’s the approach we’re taking here. Hell, we’re not even going to sign David Ortiz to an extension until the last minute, just because we want to make sure that he’s for real and these past 3 years haven’t been a fluke. Don’t worry. He won’t get offended if we drag our feet. Baseball players aren’t the sensitive types.”

When reached for comment at his home, Belichick confessed that he wasn’t impressed by the move at all.

“Actually I’m not too impressed with that move,” Belichick said. “It was totally unethical. I would never imply to a player that I wasn’t going to trade him. Instead I just say, ‘You mean nothing to me. You’re totally expendable, and you’re only here because there is a position to fill and you’re cheap. Don’t expect to be here more than two years.’ In fact, that statement is hanging up in the locker room just so nobody forgets. It's a real morale booster.”

Email Button Print screen button