Special Olympics Targeted By Special Terrorists

SCOTTSDALE, AZ--Homeland security officials warned today that the Special Olympics could be targeted by special terrorists. The week long event, to be held next month in Scottsdale, Arizona, would make an attractive target for retarded Islamic militants, homeland security director Tim Ridge said. Precautions were being taken by local and federal law enforcement agencies to protect athletes and spectators.

“As you know, we take every threat to our nation seriously, even one that involves the mentally ill,” said Ridge. “These retarded terrorists are gunning for the Special Olympics, and we’re doing everything we can to stop them, even though it shouldn’t be too hard, since they’re retarded.”

Ridge cited increased security checkpoints, random searches, and bomb sniffing dogs as some of the precautions that are being taken against the latest threat. Traps are also being set as a way to lure the special terrorists into exposing themselves.

“One thing we’re working on is going to take place at the main entrance to the games,” said Ridge, standing in front of a multi-colored chart depicting the layout of the Olympic grounds. “The third entrance, which is being set up as a ruse, will read ‘Crazed Islamic Suicide Bomber Entrance.’ Hopefully, the terrorists will see this sign and head right in, then we got em. And don’t give me any of that shit about ‘leaks’ or ‘compromising security.’ These are retards, people. They’re not watching the news.”

The terror threat against the Special Olympics was first reported last week, after an audiotape from an Islamic Militant group threatened to turn the event into “a river of blood.” The tape, which was aired by Al-Jazeera, is believed to be authentic.

“Oh, you evil Zionist pigs, we are the Very Special Islamic Mujadeen Death Squad,” the voice on the tape began. “We will attack you where you live, where you sleep, and where you gather. The Special Olympics will be a bloodbath, God willing. Our holy warriors long for death, and will strike at the heart of the enemy to receive their ever lasting gift of martyrdom. Praise be to Allah. Yaaaaayyyyyy!”

The Very Special Islamic Mujadeen Death Squad (VSIMDS) is believed to be a new terrorist group with indirect ties to Osama Bin Laden’s Al Qaeda terror network. Its existence was unknown prior to the airing of last week’s audiotape, but now investigators believe it is a very real, and very lethal, group.

Muhammad al-Atef, a professor at Yemen University and expert on international terrorism, said that the group was probably formed early this year by militants looking to increase recruiting.

“Many retarded people in the Middle East are disenfranchised by American policies, just like their non-retarded counterparts,” said al-Atef, author of Inside Al Qaeda. “These people just want to show the world that they are capable of carrying out suicide attacks just as well as anyone else. Like the Special Olympics athletes, the special terrorists just want a chance to feel empowered and become productive members of society. They probably chose to target the Special Olympics for their symbolic value, and because attacking the real Olympics would require half a brain.”

A known Al Qaeda commander recently spoke out on behalf of the VSIMDS, according to an article published in London-based Islamic newspaper Al Hayat. The commander, known only as “Wahid”, stated that the new group was perfectly capably of carrying out attacks, and wished to be treated “no different than anyone else.”

“Just because they have mental deficiencies doesn’t mean they’re unable to strap explosives to their bodies and blow themselves to pieces,” said Wahid. “They just want to be treated the same as any other suicide bombers. They aren’t looking for a hand-out or charity, just a fair opportunity to enact revenge on the infidel Satans.”

Mark Stephens, director of the Special Olympics, spoke out on the terror threat at a press conference yesterday. He explained that mentally challenged terrorists are just as dangerous as regular terrorists.

“Of course we are nervous about this warning,” said Stephens. “To say that we are in less danger because the terrorists are retarded is wrong-headed and foolish, and frankly, I take offense to it. The mentally challenged are bright, resourceful, and courageous people. They can blow up buildings and commit mass murder just as good as anyone else. As we’ve all learned from the Special Olympics, the mentally ill can succeed if they are given the right opportunity. I’ve also learned that they love Happy Meals, so we should have plenty on hand, just in case.”