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NEW YORK--Move over, Major League Baseball. There’s a new sport sweeping the nation, and it won’t be long until every man, woman, and child is a rabid fan. That sport? Ultimate Fighting, soccer, NASCAR, and lacrosse.

“The Ultimate Fighting Championship is America’s fastest growing sport,” said UFC President Dana White. “What once was a little known, underground league has became a mainstream obsession. Pretty soon everybody will be watching it. It’s already bigger than boxing and it’s closing in on the other major sports as well. And we have a deal with Spike TV. That's right, the Spike TV, home of Casino Cinema, Pros vs. Joes, and motorcycle crashes. I think it's fair to say we've arrived.”

White attributed the newfound popularity of the sport to increased exposure on the internet and other non-traditional mediums.

“We’ve been able to bring the sport to the mainstream in ways that wouldn’t have been possible years ago,” said White. “It’s enabled us to show America that these are not animalistic, blood-soaked death matches, but highly organized contests between well trained athletes. It’s actually safer than boxing. Of course, we don’t promote it like that. We emphasize the violence when we promote it because that’s how you rope in the 18-25 males. Hey, it’s working, isn’t it? They’re all watching it and so are you. You just don’t realize it yet.”

In addition to UFC, soccer is also the fastest growing sport in the nation. MLS officials say that when David Beckham officially joins the Los Angeles Galaxy, the entire nation will be captivated by “the beautiful game” and delighted by the awesomeness that is Beckham.

“Soccer is the fastest growing sport in America,” said MLS commissioner Don Garber. “The arrival of David Beckham is only going to enhance that. Americans, like the rest of the world, will be in love with this delightful hunk. Also, did you know that 78 percent of US school kids play soccer? They love it! Seriously, it’s the fastest growing sport in America. We’ve been saying that for the past 20 years, but this time we really mean it.”

Another sport on the rise is NASCAR. In the past decade, NASCAR has grown into a billion dollar industry that is no longer confined to rural areas of the south. In fact, many observers are calling NASCAR “the fastest growing sport in America.”

“NASCAR is certainly the fastest growing sport in America,” said journalist Mark Zeske. “I envision a day when NASCAR will be bigger than the NFL. In fact, it already routinely beats the NHL in television ratings. Sometimes it beats out baseball, too, and preseason NFL games. Hell, the Daytona 500 crushes the NBA Finals in the ratings. That alone tells me that at least seven people are watching it. ”

“Some day,” he added, “everybody in America will quit their jobs and drop out of school and spend every waking moment staring at televised NASCAR races. That should happen sometime around next year.”

While NASCAR is certainly a sport to be reckoned with, it might have a little competition in the upstart sport of lacrosse.

“Lacrosse is a sport on the rise,” said US Lacrosse Executive Director Steve Stenerson. “We actually beat out the NHL in television ratings for most of last season. Also, we got some great exposure with the Duke lacrosse scandal and the gay lacrosse coach saga that ESPN covered so extensively. Any time you get coverage on ESPN, you’re a sport on the rise. Just look at Arena Football. Hard to imagine there was once a time nobody cared about that.”

In addition to lacrosse, air hockey, beer pong, competitive eating, goat-head soccer and water polo are also said to be the fastest growing sport in America.

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.