State Farm Blamed For Shitty Home Run Derby

SAN FRANCISCO--The State Farm Home Run Derby failed to live up to expectations Monday night and instead turned into a boring, three-hour snooze fest that featured only two balls landing in McCovey Cove, both on ricochets. Ken Griffey Jr, Barry Bonds, and David Ortiz all sat out the non-event, with the final round featuring Vlad Guerrero and relative unknown Alex Rios.

Afterwards, all fingers were pointed at State Farm, the insurance company responsible for bringing the derby to the American public.

“Well that was a big piece of crap,” said Bill Jenkins of the San Francisco Chronicle. “The thing took three hours and all we got was a bunch of unimpressive home runs and some of the worst coverage in the history of televised sports. So who is to blame for this? Well, that’s obvious: State Farm Insurance. They had their name all over the thing, they had one of their dork representatives on the field, and by all accounts, it was their baby. So, fuck off State Farm. If I wanted to see a bunch of nobodies take batting practice I’d spend ten bucks on tickets to a Devil Rays game.”

Even Major League Baseball shouldered State Farm with the blame for their mundane State Farm Home Run Derby.

“Unfortunately the State Farm Home Run Derby did not live up to the expectations of the American public,” said a statement released on Tuesday. “Major League Baseball is extremely disappointed with the result and would like to apologize for boring everybody to tears. However, we would also like to point out that this was the STATE FARM Home Run Derby and the name STATE FARM was plastered all over everything and they took every ounce of credit for this event so they should also be shouldered with the blame for its utter failure. Perhaps they should stick to swindling people out of their money and leave the baseball to people who know what they’re doing.”

The biggest complaint surrounding the State Farm Home Run Derby was the three hour duration, which preempted ESPN’s airing of the much anticipated miniseries The Bronx is Burning. By the time the State Farm Home Run Derby was over, even the players were complaining.

“Jesus, how many rounds was that anyway? It seemed like a hundred,” said Alex Rios. “No wonder why Bobby Abreau hasn’t hit a home run since he won this thing. Who brought us this stupid event anyway? Oh, State Farm. I see. I guess they were just in over their heads with this. Or perhaps they were too preoccupied with not paying off insurance claims on the Gulf Coast.”

A spokesman for State Farm issued an apology for the shitty State Farm Home Run Derby, but also pointed out that, though they were the sponsor of the event, they were not responsible for every facet of the presentation.

“We do apologize for the rather mundane home run derby, but it’s really not our fault,” said Jonathan Emory, State Farm spokesman. “We just pay a bunch of money to slap our name all over it and then ESPN and Major League Baseball do the rest. It’s not our fault that Chris Berman is an annoying tool and Joe Morgan is barely sentient. We’re just along for the ride.

“And by the way, we ARE paying off insurance claims in the Gulf. Haven’t you seen our commercials? Agent Suzy Mendez is practically rebuilding the entire area by herself. She’s like the Vladimir Rios of homeowner’s insurance.”

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