ST LOUIS--The never ending debate over stem cell research was altered dramatically by a new commercial featuring Cardinals pitcher Jeff Suppan voicing opposition to a bill that would allow embryonic stem cell research in the state of Missouri. After the commercial aired, Claire McCaskill, the Democratic candidate who supports the bill, considered dropping out of the race.

“Well that’s it for me, I guess,” she said. “As soon as I saw that Jeff Suppan commercial I knew I was finished. And you know what the weird thing is? After seeing that ad, even I was opposed to the bill. Hey, supporting that bill also supports cloning, and apparently it will result in lots of poor mothers getting their embryos stolen from them at gunpoint or something. I’m sold. Thank you, Jeff Suppan, for explaining the issue to me like only a professional athlete reading a cue card can do.”

It wasn’t just Missouri residents who were swayed by the ad. Millions of Americans viewed it on the internet and were bowled over by the stark truths Jeff Suppan was dishing out. In addition to Suppan, former Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner appeared in the ad, as did Royals first baseman Mike Sweeney and James Caviezel, who played Jesus in the film The Passion of the Christ.

“Now that was a star-studded and wholly convincing political ad,” said Victor Castle, director of the pro-stem cell research group Coalition for the Advancement of Medical Research. “I can only imagine what millions of other Americans were thinking after seeing Jeff Suppan, Kurt Warner, Mike Sweeney, and that creepy guy from the Jesus movie preach about the evils of cloning and embryonic testing. I’m sure many of them were thinking ‘Who was that last guy?’ and ‘Who was that second to last guy?’ But the point was made anyway. This type of testing is a bad idea, because one of those discarded embryos could grow up to be president.”

When reached for comment, Suppan said he agreed to do the ad as a way to educate voters on a confusing issue.

“I just want voters to have all the information they need when they go to the polls,” Suppan said. “Amendment 2 says that it bans human cloning, but it actually doesn’t. If you vote yes on this amendment, you can look forward to a future where cloned freak-people roam the streets like zombies waiting to have their organs harvested so liberals can eat them…or something. I don’t entirely understand that part of it, but nobody else does either, so it’s okay.”

The Suppan ad was in response to a pro-stem cell research spot that featured TV star Michael J Fox, who suffers from Parkinson’s disease, arguing that more research may someday lead to a cure for his condition. The ad was criticized by conservatives, who accused the Democrats of exploiting Fox for political gain.

“That’s ad was positively shameless,” said Roger Ruse, spokesman for Jim Talent, the Republican candidate for Missouri. “Mr. Fox clearly does not know what he’s talking about when it comes to stem cell research and is merely acting as a mouthpiece for Claire McCaskill. The fact is, every single embryo is a tiny little human being. Even the discarded ones are human. And those discarded little humans should be thrown in the trash where they belong, not used to cure diseases.”

Suppan insists he didn’t appear in his commercial to ignite controversy, but rather to endorse a cause that he feels passionate about.

“When you throw your hat into the ring, you’re going to elicit some very strong responses,” Suppan said. “People on both sides are very passionate about this. It's understandable, considering the religious, social, and cultural ramifications involved. It's quite a polarizing issue. All I know is that I’m a free agent this year and I’m going to be up to my eyes in money in a few months. Sorry, I know that’s off the subject but I’m having a hard time thinking of anything else.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.