Struggling Steelers Seek To Re-Acquire, Re-Bench Kordell Stewart

PITTSBURGH, PA--The Pittsburgh Steelers, struggling to keep their heads above water, are reportedly seeking to re-acquire former Quarterback Kordell Stewart in order to bench him. The team hopes that the benching will once again revive its struggling offense.

“Last year when we benched Kordell it really seemed to turn things around for us,” Coach Bill Cowher said Tuesday. “It lit a fire under our offense, that’s for sure. We really found a rhythm. Now we’re starting to get a little static again so it would be great if we had someone like Kordell Stewart to bench.”

Stewart was the Steelers’ starting Quarterback for seven years. During that time, Pittsburgh’s gameplan revolved around a punishing ground attack and solid defense, complimented by Stewart’s unique abilities as a passer and rusher. Unfortunately, Stewart also had a tendency to make poor decisions, throw into traffic, and panic during crunch time. His skills eroded over time and defenses adjusted to his running style, forcing him to make plays with his arm. It was last season that Coach Cowher finally decided to pull the string and bench his former star pupil in favor of XFL retread Tommy Maddox. The move immediately paid dividends as the offense displayed a rhythm and up-tempo style that had been missing during the Stewart years.

“Benching Kordell was the best thing that ever happened to us,” said wide receiver Hines Ward. “Nothing against the guy, but he just wasn’t getting it done. When Tommy came in, it changed everything. It was such a relief to have an effective passing attack, it totally rejuvenated us. But now I’m starting to miss Kordell. What this team needs is to bring him back as the starter and then make a dramatic announcement that he’s being benched in favor of Tommy. That would lift everyone’s spirits.”

Unfortunately, Stewart was signed in the offseason by the Chicago Bears and has already left his mark on the once moribund franchise. After a dismal start to the season with Stewart as starting QB, Bears coach Dick Jauron benched him in favor of veteran Chris Chandler, and the offense immediately sprung to life.

“As soon as we changed quarterbacks, things started to click for us,” Jauron said. “Thank God for Kordell Stewart. If it wasn’t for us signing him, then benching him, the offense might not have experienced the revival that it has. Kordell is very important to this team. His presence on the sidelines makes all the difference in the world for us.”

Jauron went on to say that the possibility of Stewart returning to the Steelers was remote, considering the positive effect he’s had on the Bears.

“Kordell is someone we need on this team. We’re not going to just cast him aside now that he’s served his purpose. That would be foolish. Having him on the roster means that if we ever want to jump start the offense again, all we have to do is throw Kordell in there for a couple series, then bench him.”

Although Jauron and the Bears insist Stewart is not available, they may be sorely tempted by the number of offers from other teams. Several clubs are interested in the QB to help boost their struggling offenses. One of them, the San Diego Chargers, is offering a nice package of draft picks for Stewart.

“We’re offering a number one and two number threes,” says Chargers GM AJ Smith. “Our offense just isn’t moving the ball at all right now. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of enthusiasm, energy or confidence coming from that side of the ball. I think it would be a worthwhile investment to get someone like Stewart in there. We could hold a big press conference and name him our permanent starting QB, stick him in there for a couple series, then pull him. Just think of how rejuvenated and optimistic our offense will be once they’re no longer saddled with Kordell Stewart.”

As for Stewart, he is said to be open to a trade to a contending team. His only stipulation: No Steelers.

“I won’t go back there. I’m still harboring a lot of resentment against them for the way they treated me. I said at the time they would regret letting me go, and guess what? I was right. I bet they’d love to have me right now. Nobody can inspire a team to pull itself together like I can. People talk about Flutie magic, but what about Kordell magic? “

“That being said,” he continued. “If any other team wants me, I’ll listen. I’ll be more than happy to get behind center, throw a few unbelievably boneheaded picks, destroy everyone’s confidence, then get replaced by some mediocre backup who will suddenly look like Joe Montana just because he’s not me.”

Nevertheless, the Steelers aren’t giving up hope that they can lure their former leader back for another tour of duty with his old team. Coach Cowher has even considered placing a personal call to Stewart in an attempt to mend fences.

“I would just tell him how sorry I am the way things worked out,” Cowher explained. “It’s obvious we made a huge mistake in letting him go. I see that now. His presence on this team was so important to us, but sometimes you don’t recognize what you have until it’s gone. If I could speak to him just once, I would tell him to come home. This is where he belongs. The starting job is his for at least two series. With his unique brand of terrible decision making and questionable arm strength, he’s the perfect guy to come in here and ruin everything until we pull him out and spark a winning streak.”

If the Steelers are unable to get their hands on Stewart, they may go in a different directions. One option being discussed is Drew Bledsoe. Bledsoe’s track record of throwing ill-advised picks, taking too many sacks, and generally stifling offensive production could be a great fit for Pittsburgh. Plus, his 2001 benching resulted in a Superbowl for his lowly Patriots.

“We have had some informal discussions with Drew and his agent,” said Cowher. “It’s true, he does fit the mold of someone who we could immediately bench, and his performance in 2001 was unbelievable. As soon as he was replaced, the team turned completely around. But he’s no Kordell Stewart. If I had a choice of one QB in the league to acquire and bench, it would be him.”